The kids came home last night from their dad's house and got dropped off....My poor Mads started to cry soon after.....saying not having a dad that lives with her is the hardest part of her life....and then she panicked some and said "there isn't anything I can do about it either"
:( her recognition of what is and having to accept something she doesn't want to.....I cannot really convey how hard it is to hear her say that or to stand in her pain with her.....how much it shatters my heart that I cannot fix it for her......I too can do nothing to change it nor would I......she desperately wants both of her parents to live together and talks about it all the time....I am guessing that won't ever fully leave her.....it will be something she will have to learn to accept.....and live with......I just held her and let her cry.......validating all of her feelings......telling her that I recognize how hard it all is and I am so sorry.......she was also saying why did it have to happen to us, of all people, and to she and her brother......and why did her dad leave?? All these BIG questions circulate through her little self and it hurts my mama's heart......and all the while feeling totally conflicted......knowing if he had stayed......as it stood, the long term fallout for my kids would have been worse.....their opinion of me and him dwindling.....them not getting to see the healthy emotional stuff they do now....and the truth is if I could go back this is the path I would have chosen.....again and again.......knowing what I know now....and as much as I hate this for my kids.....don't want their hearts to be forever broken.....I also trust their journey as much as I trust mine......knowing that this must be an integral part of their story, their growth, as they travel......laying the ground work for their future selves and all they will be in this world......I believe that.......I have said this many times....we don't get to choose the heartache that finds our kids......we don't........we only get to try and help them cope the best we can.....arming them with valuable tools and resources in a tough world......my heart aches for them and last night was so hard......seeing the sadness and heartache in her face......from a primal place inside her little self......wishing with all my might I could somehow fix it for her.....but knowing as much as she realized, that there is no fixing this......broken forever......point of no return........I pray every night her heartache lessens, and this part of her journey finds a more palatable place to land for her......and I can only pray this strengthens her in this life.....evolves her.....doesn't make a forever negative imprint......so far she has been doing amazing and so has Gabe......I pray every day for their continued healing......it is funny as I type this......I truly never thought this would be our story......divorce......visitation.......single mom......all of it.......it is a powerful lessen in never say never.....and never think it can't happen to you......not ever.......
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