The hardest day........

I think that was yesterday.....mediation....or maybe one of the hardest days.....second thought there have been quite a few.......but damn if yesterday wasn't intense in ways that are hard to articulate.....as I said before, being in a situation that is adversarial with your person of so many years, in a courtroom, and both wanting the same thing I suppose but somehow not being able to figure out a way to get there due to the complicated nature of it all......it is intense in so many ways.....today was super emotional for me.....I sobbed through most of it.....having to come to some conclusions about custody stuff that doesn't feel comfortable to me in any way.....and yet I somehow know that some of it needs to be this way for now.....and having to let go of my kids in a way that makes me uncomfortable is excruciating.....like wounded mama bear excruciating.....I cried from the deepest parts of me.......like my soul......in pain.....none of this part is easy and I am keenly aware that this custody court stuff is a price I pay for being freed from something I needed to be freed from......but still......ouch......I would never want to go back....not ever and every time I am faced with the reality of he and I, or him I am more and more reminded of that fact......we are not on the same wave length in this life, not even close......BUT somehow we need to figure out a way to bridge the great divide....to figure it out.......I felt I had to concede yesterday on some things so we could move forward, some things that I feel like will be OK, I hope are OK, but that I didn't want to......and control is an issue I have worked on in my life and it may come off as that being the source of the pain I suffered yesterday, and maybe it is partially true, but more than that is my primal attachment to Gabe and Mads.....I have always been an intense mother.....really focused on them and making good decisions for them and really close in their day to day.....but these days that bond is even greater, stronger in all the ways because I am their ride or die......the one that they seek in the world for all their needs to be met.....the one they trust to do what needs to be done to take care of them in their day to day.....the one that is their everything....and now their dad is somebody that pops in and out as time goes along, and I hope his presence becomes a more consistent force.....but only time will tell......All I do know is that yesterday challenged the deepest parts of myself and made me feel those deep places that are hard to find in the day to day.....and it was likely therapeutic in the long term, albeit brutally painful in the short term......I suppose I could have fought further and I am not sure it would have been a fruitful fight in the long run.....and maybe not for the greater good.....which is for some way somehow for us to find peace among the parties so that the kids can move forward too......so what was proposed yesterday is something I am willing to try......and am trying so hard to keep an open mind about.....to not look too far down the road at what could go wrong.....and just trusting that where we all are is right where we are supposed to be, despite my heart breaking........we can do hard things......and I can most certainly do hard things....and all of this part.......is really hard.........