Today will be a hard day for me.......my kids are going to visit with their dad and leave for the entire day.....and I know they will be fine and will have fun......they need to see him, he needs to see them......we need to find our new normal in terms of visits and what the future of that will be..........but this part of this is just hard, it just is.........because in a parallel world we would be parenting our children together, from the same spot, from the front row, like a team, like we always have.......we always did such a good job.....were so proud of our parenting.....were on the same page every day when it came to our kids.........and our kids are great.......they truly are......we have done such a good job.........and now as we have settled some visitation plans I have to let go of a certain portion of my part in it and surrender.......not be there for all of it.......not be there if they need me.....if they want me.......I just won't and can't be there......because today they are with their dad........and once upon a time.....that would not have carried any trepidation......not carried a stomachache.......not any of that.....but today it does........and it is in these moments of divorce, of separation, of our new life that cut you to the quick......really push your strength, challenge your peace.......and make you feel powerless as you stand in all of that pain........and find a way to accept it........to survive it......to not let it consume you......and I am working on that.......I really am........because I stated early on in my blogs that rallying against something that cannot be changed is the most futile way to expend our precious energy......it truly is.....only serves to deplete our souls......to cause more suffering........so today I made some plans, am taking care of some things that need to be taken care of........focusing my heart on what I need to do so it doesn't sit here and break endlessly......and I am taking a hold of my coping skills and coping.........going to run, have coffee with a friend, get my brakes done on my car, shop for Mother's Day, and try and find my peace today in the storm........and just accept it all......because the reality is that this will be my life for the forseeable future......it will be and I have to find ways to preserve my heart so it won't break every single time.......and I will learn that......as I have the rest.....I am a quick study.....and able to adjust.........find my way.......land on my feet over and over......but each time a little earthquake hits I am reminded of how we need to be more empathetic to people......I had no idea that people that walked the journey I am walking, before me, suffered so.........I just didn't know.......so it serves as a reminder each time to me that no matter what, we need to offer others our compassion and kindness, our understanding and love, way more often than we do.......we need to try and understand another before we walk in their shoes.......I feel like I am a person that does that whenever I can.......but I forget too.........and I am going to remember more........remember more to love people in their real, in their struggles, in their demons, in their damage.......understand we all carry those in our lives......and all of our bags look different, filled with different things........but they all carry the same importance......the same worthiness to be treated with kindness and compassion.........so today I am owning that I am struggling......that I am in my real, my pain.......and that it will pass........and I will allow myself that and seek understanding and love where I can.......and then give it back to others where I can each and every day.......
jperuso
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