Grief is a funny thing.....in the beginning it consumed me.....like a fire....spreading to all parts of my life and taking them over. As I have traveled and the lessons and clarity takes hold my grief has found a place to reside in me......a place to lay it in the day to day as I live my own life....but sometimes I am reminded of its presence in a very real way....the other day something happened to remind me how deep my hurt is, and how real it still is in me.....and as I was sobbing and ugly crying.......and talking to a friend, and getting to what was the root cause of it, it amazed me the depth of my pain still.....but I know it is necessary.....this process of grief.....the sobbing.....the RELEASING of what really hurts us.....and the acknowledging of it all.....it is the only path to healing.....and I try and truly ride the waves when they come......and in this instance the source of my provoked grief came from the awareness that the betrayal I experienced had many layers......it was the original affair....it was being led to believe we were working toward reconciliation through therapy....as his affair raged on......and now it has been his choices since he has left.....the choice to treat me in the ways he has, to pacify somebody else.....and that may in fact be the most painful part of all......because in my eyes I want to say to him "it is me". "Me".......how could you do this after all I have done in our lives, and all I have been to you??????????????......."all the things I stepped forward to do in the last three years on behalf of us.....of you......for our marriage all of it".....and damn it is intense when it comes.....and since nobody was here to witness all of it......they will never know......but suffice to say the effort I put in was immense.....and very giving of myself as I endured blow after blow at the hands of his affair.......and sometimes it is hard to believe that another person could hurt somebody so deeply and not really get it......or maybe isn't willing to try and get it......or maybe does get it to some degree but can't face it.....hard to say........or maybe simply just wasn't who I thought he was.....that thought has crossed my mind.....and that thought hurts most of all......because I held him in such high regard.....and was so proud to be his wife.......but I mean clearly he wasn't who I thought he was in most ways.....my Nick would never have done what he has to me.....there would be just no way......so yeah......there is that to reconcile too......seeing the mask fall down, the one he was wearing in our marriage, and looking into the face of who was behind it for 20 years.......shocking.......so in the layers of betrayal that come.....and grief.......so will pain.......and when it comes I welcome it in......feel it.......vent it.......then let it go.......till the next wave comes.......in the meantime being grateful for the spaces in between.......
jperuso
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