There is a side to me, and I have written about it before, that is so open, understanding, and accepting of others and wherever they are. Truly...... nearly always being able to put myself in somebody's shoes or in their situation....fully..........seeking to understand where they are coming from.....giving them the benefit of the doubt endlessly......and I think it is a good part of me........I would never want that side of me to close up, and become so jaded that it is no longer offered.....but that side has been an impediment during certain times in my life......preventing me from being the gatekeeper in my life.....we are the gatekeepers in our lives......and should be......showing discernment about what comes into our lives.....what gets to stay.....what should go.......and when you are a very understanding person....not too fussy about most things.....and compassionate and empathetic......being a gatekeeper is hard.....laying boundaries down is challenging.....it doesn't feel good.....and I am learning.....I really am.....learning that I can still be all those things.....ride or die for people.....but also protect myself and my peace......however that side of me is mixed with another side that I am working on too.....I have high standards for the people in my life......because I have them for myself.....and sometimes that trickles outward.....and I am working on that balance....and have become much better at that......but I am guilty of expecting me from others.....like if I would reach out in a situation and they don't it makes me pause.....and we are all our own people.......and I guess I express this to sort through the places where standards are appropriate.....and I think in romantic relationships there should be some.....not in a way that sets it up for failure.....but in a way that honors yourself.......holding out to be treated the way you deserve to be treated......and closing the gate if you are not.......and it isn't easy.....especially when you are understanding, and get stuff from lots of sides.....and intuitive...... and feel intention...... and all sorts of other things.....but I am working on being a better gatekeeper in my own life.....but not going too far in the other direction and having a fortress strength gate lol:) balancing my openness and understanding side, with my side that honors my journey, and where I have been, and where I want to go......and while I cannot expect me from other people, I absolutely can expect to be treated well, and treated in the ways I treat others......absolutely......I think once you realize you are the gatekeeper, when you haven't always been it feels powerful......I think balancing those two sides of myself will be my work to do in my next relationship......my understanding side and my higher standard side......and both those sides were a detriment in my marriage.....I allowed way too much.....but also put too much pressure on the marriage to make me happy, forever falling short.....so now I understand so much more about all of that......I seek ease......peace.....pouring like I pour......love.....romance.......truth......honesty.....loyalty......transparency....wit.......humor..... fun..... adventure........laughter.........and respect........and I seek to be human and have someone be human too.....a willingness to grow.......and evolve........and adjust as needed to bring out the absolute best in another human......have somebody be as understanding and gentle with me as I am with them....... criticism doesn't allow for that......it just doesn't.......celebrating the beauty in a human brings more beauty......so I am manning the gate in my own life.....trusting that I will know what should come in.....what should stay.....what needs to go......all of it.....forever balancing all the parts that make me me.......and maybe I express these things often, and think ahead to having a relationship one day in my blog......because the applying of theory is where magic happens....:) Up until now it is all stuff that has come to me in theory not in practice.....and I truly look forward to applying all I have learned and worked through to a real relationship someday......I finally feel ready for that in my life.....not going in blind like I did in my 20s lol:) Eyes wide open........intentions up.......and with a deep willingness to work at making something work in a way I have never understood before, while finally demanding what I deserve:) It is a new place for me......but I have always had lots of love to give, fierce and true love, and I believe the next person that receives that love will be a lucky fella:) and I hope I will be too;-)
jperuso
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