It is likely that Gabe will live with me forever......or if he ends up living in some place I haven't thought of, or dreamt of for him yet I will need to devote a good portion of my energy and time to him all of my days......I say that not to express upset or resentment that that is my lot in life.....I truly don't......it is just a fact and having Gabe walk in this life with me is one of my greatest gifts on any given day.....has been an enormous teaching tool......requiring much of me in the day to day and pushing me to do things I didn't think I could do.....or never dreamed of doing.....and his love his magnificent, to be loved by Gabe is to really feel what love means....so in pointing that out I am doing so to make a point related to where I am these days .....he left me with all of it......ALL of it.....he too knows how challenging caring for Gabe is, the commitment he requires, and the lifelong one it is, and yet.......here I am the one holding that awesome responsibility and honoring the commitment we made to our tiny boy all those years ago....and it is another deep betrayal......this wasn't the deal.....the weight of wanting to live forever to care for Gabe all of his life never leaves me.....it is the thing about his life that haunts me the most.....and I truly thought we were in it together......that we were carrying that weight hand in hand.......but now the transfer of that truth is mine to carry in the day to day.....and it is kinda hard to believe.......watching Gabe's heart be broken and hearing the profound things he says is also all for me to hear.....for me to help and soothe.....he doesn't understand why this all happened....and it is so hard to watch his grief.......there isn't a thing I wouldn't sacrifice for Gabe to make sure he has the life he needs to have, with me fully present in his day to day, and trying my hardest to make his life the best it can be.....he still requires me in his day to day to care for him in ways young children need at times......14 years later......and I do it without hesitation or reservation.....he is my heart and my sweet boy.....but Nick hasn't even considered what complication that causes in my future.....any man that comes into my life has to understand that we are a package deal......Gabe and I......you have to love him like you love me......you have to know he will always be around......you have to realize that your freedom in retirement or beyond may not be what you dreamed of ...you have to be willing to some degree to sacrifice as I have, and as I am willing to.......if you are going to love me......that is a big deal......and he left without any of that....his new life is not impacted by his kids in much of any way.....and won't be impacted by the lifelong commitment Gabe is......he is free to do what he wants.....and it certainly won't be impacted by the forever Gabe.....and the pain that comes from being abandoned in that is a tough one....it wasn't our deal all those years ago.....we were supposed to be here for our boy, fighting together for our boy each and every day......ride or die......come what may....so in most days I accept that this is what it is.....and I focus on my kids and what I need to do.....and I trust that anybody that comes for my heart will also have a heart for my sweet boy, because it is going to be the new deal......a must......in all the ways......and I pray if a new deal comes to find me......it is truly a forever one.....
jperuso
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