Last year the weekend after he left I took to the task of putting away Christmas......on my own, as my first act of full independence in my new life......I go all out to decorate and he was always good about bringing up all the trees and bins for me so I could go full tilt holiday decorating, and I would help too, and suddenly all of it was left in our house. Just all of it staring at me, letting me know it wasn't going to put itself away..... I know I could have asked for help, and I got some with my big tree, but as for the rest I felt compelled to prove to myself that I could do it on my own......as that is going to be the new normal in my life....so today I will take to the business of decorating for Christmas on my own. A big undertaking if you know me :) LOL A NEW milestone....and I AM determined.....kids will enjoy and we will have fun, there is a touch of sadness, and it most definitely feels like a full circle kind of thing......like that first act I chose all those months ago has come to find me again.....and it makes me think of all the things I have learned to do without him and in my new life.....a true becoming and evolving into knowing my limits and what I am capable of.....I try and meet each challenge with a good attitude, and as a learning experience, but there are still things that arise that I don't want to do myself.....that makes me wish there was somebody to default to......I always have my dad waiting in the wings if I need him, which is such a gift, but I try really hard when I can to do it myself......and it is in these moments that I am reminded of my new life and what it requires of me.......and sometimes it isn't what I like but what I know is true...........so as I prepare to take on this task.....knowing that the bins and trees won't bring themselves up from the basement, I know very clearly that if it will be it is up to me.......as is the trend these days......and it feels good.....to learn to rely on your own strength and savvy.....I am plenty strong enough to bring up the bins and the trees and make it happen.....it may take me longer, but I am ready.......it feels good to not rely on somebody else's timeframe too, sometimes he was reluctant to help when I wanted him to, or had some side work that got in the way, or whatever......... so I would do what I felt I could at the time and wait for him to help with the rest but now there is no such complication.....and that kind of freedom is kind of intoxicating.....I sometimes wish I didn't like not having to run my decisions by somebody so much......enjoying the freedom to decide it all and playing in my own sandbox, my rules......and it worries me that the longer it goes on it may become increasingly difficult to learn to do it again......to share my life and my space once again.....but for now it is not a worry, I got it......I have found my way......found increased self confidence in the things I have learned to do, the things I could always do, but never even considered trying, just because?.....but here they are needing to get done and asking me to do them.....and I will every single time.......and in each task that comes to find me I will learn more and more about me and who I am in this world, how I show up, and what my new life will be......each and every day! Let CHRISTMAS DECORATING COMMENCE, the most wonderful time of the year indeed:)
jperuso
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