Tomorrow I will write my 1,000th blog and wow that feels like something.....that means that 1,000 times I have poured out pieces of pain that needed to go.....to find a voice, to find space to breathe......it means it has been about 1,000 days since this journey began....it means so much......it means that my blog, which began as a leap of faith and out of a divine nudge has gotten to take flight......I am grateful for every person that has read my blog......... ever.....and so grateful for those of you that do every day.....I often say I would write it if nobody read it....it is that important to me, but I am wildly humble and grateful that anybody does:) So I thought it would fun this week to revisit some of my beginning blogs to honor the occasion, to see where it began......some of my more important blogs, the ones that stand out to me.....and the ones I felt captured parts of my journey in an important way....in a clear way......articulating the complicated emotions that exist in this space........so today I am going to share my very first one.....the first one I ever wrote.....the one that began this blog! I wrote it six days after he left...........
Powerfully Broken..........
Powerful and broken, that is how I feel. Both of them pulling at different parts of me. Both equally a part of me and my experience in the world. One being more tolerable, almost exhilarating, while the other tearing at nearly everything I hold dear. Everything I have ever held dear. My marriage is over and I am getting a divorce. My children are losing the life they have always known and loved, their hearts are broken, and nothing will ever be the same again. Just typing those words makes my stomach hurt and creates a visceral reaction that runs throughout my body. So deep into the inner parts of my heart and soul. The pain just so so deep. However, I did not choose this. It was chosen for me. Which causes the trauma to run deeper. My husband left us six days ago, to love somebody else, and never to return again. The never to return again part though is of my choosing. He has breached a boundary, a line, one that we cannot return from, not ever again. It hurts my heart more than I can find the words to express but there is also a relief that comes with knowing you are right where you are supposed to be, right in the moment of your life. Standing in a spot that will change your life moving forward forever. The power comes from that space. The power comes from being pushed so far by the universe that you need to find the courage and strength to push back or else be consumed by it all. I have found that power, I have found it amid buckets of tears, amid shock, amid awe, amid horror, amid all of it. In the moments since I have felt this power simmering in my soul, carrying me through the day to day. Fueling me to care for my children, fueling me to carry on, fueling me to take the one step in front of the other, all actions that my new life will require. I am powerful and broken and ready for what's next.
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