Last night was a rough one. I have been feeling really good, really peaceful......really inspired.......have a new path in my mind starting to emerge in terms of potential career future......lots fo exciting stuff and then.......a storm related to my divorce and custody comes.......out of nowhere.....like one of those days when it is gorgeous out and before you even blink it is pouring rain.......thunder and lightning all of it.......yeah like that.......and in these moments........... in the noise......when it is just so loud......so unpleasant....so much of what my life is not about at all......except when it is............... as it pertains to this piece.......it is hard to find the center again.......I claw my way back there......not let myself get caught in the middle of a storm that isn't mine.......and it is so hard to navigate........because I always lead from what I think is best for my kids......what makes them feel better.....all of that but this time I couldn't cave in their direction......as it would set a precedent, I am not comfortable with, one I don't feel is wise as their mother.....so I had to stand on the hill and take the hit with everybody, for what I believe truly is the greater good.....and it is not easy.....anything related to my kids...........so damn difficult.......but oh so important.......in meditation I am learning so much.......how to hear myself.....quiet the noise......find a new path.......listen to my authenticity........all of it....and I need all those skills as I navigate such choppy waters.......to swim like hell back to the eye of the storm as quickly as I can as to not get swept up in the rest......and I constantly question myself......where does my motivation come from......can I live with the decisions I make for them.....and when the answer is yes......and it always is........or I won't make a decision......I know I am on the right path even though sometimes it feels horrible.....especially when my kids don't understand the complicated grown up part.....that breaks my heart......because how they are perceiving things sometimes is not the reality.....it is colored by their innocence and the smoke and mirrors....and my desire is for them to not be in the middle of the storm either......I try my best to protect them as much as I can.....take on the battering and waves on my own.....but sometimes others drag them into the middle of stuff that is not theirs.....and it is so hard......my mama bear gets pricked and there is no looking back.......because there is nothing I would not do for them........nothing........and sometimes it all feels hopeless.....because no amount of logic or reason.........or any functional stuff seems to make a difference when it is received through an altered lens of reality........received by an audience that is committed to the noise......to the storm........is not interested in forging peace......not interested in stepping into the eye with me........so last night after I swam my hardest back to the eye.......I meditated before bed.......loved on my kids.......and fell asleep like a baby......using all the skills I have learned to maintain the eye position........until the next storm comes.........
jperuso
Comments