So I did the thing last night! I went and put myself out there. The girl to guy ratio was no joke LOL:) And there was nothing that sparked my interest, but I had some fun hanging with some girls and had some laughs:) AND I conquered a thing that kinda freaked me out.....it feels really vulnerable to show up somewhere single with the intention of potentially meeting someone......and I already know how it will happen for me......organically......I know that......but being single at my age is a double edged sword in nearly every way.......I love being single.....I truly do.......charting my own course.....doing my thing......not worrying about what another person has to say or think in terms of my life.......and if you are reading this, and happily married you may think that sounds crazy......or jaded......or any of the rest.......but it does truly feel like freedom.......in every sense.......and then there is another part of it that feels frustrating......as I try and meet my needs and look for just a hint of male energy circling about......not a husband......not even a boyfriend......just a friend to spend some time with.........go on adventures.......have some laughs.........and what others are seeking out there, is not in line with what I am in the avenues I have tried so far......it feels like many men want wives......or step moms for their kids......or serious relationships........or still want kids at my age.........OR there are men that are just interested in using women endlessly.......So I shouldn't say that there isn't a man seeking what I am......but I just feel it will be hard.......I truly want to take things slowly.......be so sure before I invest my heart and time into another man......and because of the ability to deceive that some folks carry, it is difficult........I am truly a trusting person......my intuition is strong.....and my gut instincts help.......but overall my nature is to believe what people say......taking it at face value.......believing their words are as true and open as mine.....and that just isn't true........not in a real sense.........so in addition to the complicated search to just meet people in general I feel I need to be on guard.......which is also hard......so last night I went out to keep a promise to myself.....to be open.....put myself out there some.....more yes..... less no.......and conquer my fears.......one by one.......but also to practice......practice the art of being the single lady.......at 45 years old.......out in the world......learn how to be her.........I am not sure I am great at it lol;-) I only feel great at it when I am in my house doing my thing:) but when I try to take the single lady out for mingling, I feel inept in all the ways........but the nature of practice is that if you keep doing it you get better at it! SO I am committed to the journey.....whatever comes in front of me..... and seizing opportunities as they come.......not getting too frustrated and tied to outcomes.......being patient as what is meant for me makes its way toward me........in an organic and authentic way.......and having fun along the way:)
jperuso
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