Last night we were driving home and the kids were talking about his leaving again.....it has been on their minds and in their hearts a lot lately......they so want to understand what happened......for it to make sense.......my desire for such answers has sort of faded into oblivion......not important....not to be changed anyway......it just isn't important to me anymore.....but for them those answers feels so very important......and then in the dark, as I was driving, kids in the back, and me in the front...... all of the sudden Mads says...."Did our dad cheat on you?" and it stopped me dead in my tracks.......because I do not ever want to boldface lie to my children, but some of the details of this story I feel need to wait for when they are older......so I was quiet for a moment and then I said do you know what that means? She told me what it meant......and then said she would be shocked if her dad had ever done that......she has asked a few questions along the way, that I know she knows the answer to but doesn't want to know........she is wise indeed........I know she knows the answer to it now.......but then I told them that we could talk about it when they are older......that a lot of grown up stuff happened, that it is complicated, and that their dad loves them fiercely and I do too......and that we never wanted any of it to happen.......they then said their dad had told them that "we just didn't get along anymore". which poked my anger part some......I get why he said that......and that was true to some degree......but much of our "not getting along" was due to his carrying on an affair......kinda hard to get along with all that going on behind the scenes.......and as quick as my anger flashed, I put it down.......no point........it really doesn't matter.......it happened......no taking it back......I am living my truth every day......a much happier life and I would never give it back........and he is walking in his journey........I wonder if he will ever get honest with himself in this life......ever stop running and avoiding and face what happened.......I wish he knew he would likely feel better on the other side of owning his truth......that the denial of it all that he lives in, is what causes angst........unhappiness.......all of it.......but it would take an enormous amount of strength for him to own his story........courage I am not sure he possesses at this point.......but am hopeful he can find one day.......so for now it falls at my feet, the burden of not lying to my kids......of honoring our pact.....but not hurting them or tarnishing their dad for them........it is like walking on a high wire......so delicate......and I do it for the sake of them......not for him........I do it so I don't have to see their hurt in their eyes at the things he has done.......but one day they will know.......when they are old enough, Madeline particularly, and she asks me about it all......I will share the story......as gently and as compassionately as I can........because she deserves to live in her truth too.......and so does Gabe........but for now......I will artfully dodge the questions they ask that have answers they are just too young to know..........
jperuso
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