I supposed there is something about the holidays, or more specifically a holiday that reminds a person of their single and divorced status in the world;-) and I am not sure what it is particularly about that that makes it all kinda bubble for a minute.....but it just does......last night when I was picking up the kids from their dad's house I was sitting in the driveway.....waiting in my car.....seeing some of his stuff in the yard....familiar stuff I had once known....and feeling like it all seemed so foreign all of the sudden....like a distant memory or dream......far off and unable to remember or gain access to.......it is kinda hard to explain.....the feeling a weird one and the holiday making all of that more apparent....he is most definitely a stranger to me now....he has intended for it to be that way....and by way of that, I too am a stranger to him.....and co parenting with a stranger is challenging to say the least......so today I will go to my mom's with my brother and his wife, and normally I don't feel like odd man out or woman;-) but something about a holiday makes that so.....like you should have another half with ya.......and it isn't a huge deal, I don't write it to express that....it really is OK, and I have written of my holidays being happier in this version of my life than some were in my once upon a time life.....so it is fine....however I think many folks in my situation probably feel this way and I think shining some light on it is important..... holidays bring grief I guess? As I write this perhaps that is it.....a holiday shines a light on what has been lost and what is no longer there.....even if the other side of that loss is a better place, that part doesn't make the loss any less than what it is.......and maybe my kids feel some of that too.....as we approach holidays and splitting.....I am grateful their dad doesn't fight with me about holidays, and allows me to have them on holidays, and they normally adjust and do their holiday with them after.....that means so much to me.....that was one of the kindest gestures he extended during one of our mediations.....telling the judge how much I love holidays, and not wanting to put that into our custody agreement and make it so restrictive.....and he knew I was nowhere ready to do that that day....and we have worked that part out the last three years beautifully, and for that I am grateful.....seeking the blessings amid the rest......our formal custody agreement has long expired and we work it out as it comes....and I hope that is how it continues till our kids are grown.....I believe what we have in place now is what is good for them.....so I guess I write today about the holiday, to express that a holiday somehow makes your divorced status that much more stark and apparent somehow.....and it is OK....because I am divorced.....a label that sometimes still makes me wince some....and still seems surreal as it was not part of my life plan;-) but life has a way of making other plans for us right?.....and the gift is finding the courage and acceptance to live in our stories......and find the lessons that step forward.....so today as I think of giving thanks, I feel so thankful for where the kids and I find ourselves on this Thanksgiving....nearly 3 years later....and I feel thankful that we will feast with some family.....and very thankful for the fact that we have everything we need and more:) Just so much to be thankful for! Enjoy your turkey day everybody....may you find a place today where you feel loved, supported, and well fed, it is my prayer for you all! :) Happy Thanksgiving!:)
jperuso
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