So we were flying high.....football game for Gabe on Friday, and then the glorious day at the beach, and then wham! Gabe came down with something between Saturday and Sunday and is not feeling well at all.....super congested....slight cough....super tired......and it reminds me of when he had Covid:(.....but he just had it in July??? So who knows......but here we are.....and as I have mentioned it is the only thing about single motherhood that truly stresses me......the logistics of the working mom routine and juggling it all.....and now having to take off of work, throws another dimension into the mix.....I was feeling pretty low about it yesterday....because he could be sick for days and since it is so early in the school year getting plans together is more challenging, and we have a new reading series we are about to begin......and I have a very finite amount of sick time and it goes so quickly indeed......so in the midst of all that flurry of thought....I decided to take a step back and breathe.......just a deep breath filling my lungs with stillness and time to stop my brain from getting too far ahead.....catching myself.....knowing that whatever happens, it will all work out, just like the rest has......meditated a few times and just slowed it all down....so for today that it is getting Gabe to the doctor......I am keeping Mads with me till we know what Gabe has.....I did do a Covid test yesterday for him that was negative.....but hard to say.....and alongside all the cool things that are happening in my life, which have made me so excited..... there is an undercurrent of grief surfacing lately and big feelings popping up....and I was wondering where it was all coming from, and then I figured it out....with the exception of last fall and holiday season the ones before came wrought with my discovery of his affair and betrayal and all the trauma and experiences that came with it....two whole holiday seasons of that....and my body remembers, and my subconscious knows even if I don't consciously feel it is coming up.....I am working on some trauma work with my therapist in the hopes of shattering some of that.....people do not realize the depth and trauma that comes from that kind of deep betrayal.....as I have said I shook like getting hit by a bus each time there was a fallout......and it all wounded my soul deeply.....so this time of year triggers all of that in me......which also makes me sad because the holidays have always been my absolute favorite, if you know me you know......and now a cloud hovers around it some.....so I need to work extra hard at healing and being kind to myself......crafting a new story and a new pattern for this season to replace the old....and do some more trauma work.....I have been doing some trauma meditations which have been really great too.......so for today I will breathe......knowing that I can do ALL things in the day before me.....take it one day at a time.....one challenge at a time.....and nurse my sweet boy back to health! And keep on keeping on;-)
jperuso
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