So it is always kind of curious to me and amazing that since the night he left.....despite having lived with somebody for 20 years, I have never felt afraid about living alone.....this house all my own, ....and even when the kids are gone, it feels comfortable and fine.....but what is weird sometimes, is the fact that I am the only grown up here.....nobody to default to in the moment some adult stuff goes down.....stuff that requires another grown up opinion.....and I was talking to another single mom the other day who was feeling the same.....wishing sometimes for there to be a grown up to default to.....or to lay some of it on too......and there just isn't......and I think for me, it comes up when the kids have challenges......like yesterday, and Mads needing those stubborn baby teeth pulled......I should be able to lean on her dad about that a little....text, or call him, and share that and not carry that stuff alone.......but I can't.......I do text some stuff to share for the kid's sake, but it goes in the not responded to pile.......the empty cavern echoing back to me......his girlfriend answers me......but yeah his responses, few and far between.....and it truly just astounds me.....the reality of that.....and it seems simple to solve.....but simple is definitely not the vibe that stands between us.....and I have plenty of theories.....but the truth is it doesn't matter.......the "why" it just is......and I only write and muse about it today, because it came up a few times over the last few days, and it occurred to me that not having a default place, has been a place of enormous growth for me, even if it is wrong.....because it is......but it has served as a place for me to learn over and over to lean into ME ......learn to trust myself even more than I once did.....find an inner core and strength that is rock solid......knowing that whatever comes, "if it will be it is up to me"....and even with our kids......it is up to me to problem solve that stuff alone......no co parent in sight.......and it just is......his time being very separate of mine......and it is just weird if I am honest......after all the time we shared together.....and the fact we are nearly 3 years past it all.......and just all of it......I always remain hopeful a shift will be felt at some point, and that things will change somehow......but in the meantime I use the cavern filled with echoes as fuel, and a catalyst for continued to change......to step into my power more and more each day.....learning more and more places I can thrive.....and more and more places I can learn to accept......more places that I can travel alone.......it felt good yesterday to soothe Madeline's fear with the arsenal of tools I have collected over the last 2.5 years......sharing my peace with her.....having her find her own.....I told her that we have situations in our lives that we can't change.....whether emotional, medical or otherwise.....and we can't change it sometimes, but our peace lies in how we endure or experience what comes......and that by centering ourselves.....calming ourselves.....it changes everything......I have become pretty good at self soothing.....I have always sort of retreated within, and sought to handle my stuff alone, and been able to soothe myself.....I am working on that......not wanting that to be the case for the rest of my life.....I want to learn to lean.....but for now, I need to be able to self soothe with the best of them;-) because no default grown up remember;-) and I want my daughter to learn some of that too....I could not go back in the room with her.....so I sent my ring on her finger, for her to rub and spin, and think of my love and strength surrounding her, and gave her breathing strategies etc....and we meditated beforehand in the car and she rocked it......they said she did great....and she had been super upset at the thought of it all earlier in the day......so yeah being the only grown up around is sometimes challenging......the urge to look over your shoulder, and say something, or have a sounding board and it is not there......but when we accept what is.....and use it for our greater good......no matter what......life has a way of providing all we need......every single time.....so I will continue to share what I feel is important.....even if it echoes back with just my own voice......and maybe some day it won't.....but if it never does, never changes...... my power lies in my actions in this story.....and only my own......the rest I release.....over and over again......
jperuso
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