About a week after he left he asked to Facetime the kids.......and I set up the time. I had no idea what to expect........I was a mess......hadn't eaten or slept........was just so so sad......and I was in my room and the kids were in theirs.......I could hear the conversation begin.......and then I heard HER voice on Facetime.......with MY children......my blood went cold...........and he let it happen......didn't stop her........and as I listened to that conversation I thought I may die on the spot........die of heartache.......die of pain.......die of all of it.........I felt like somebody was gutting me alive......and that is truly no exaggeration it was excruciating to me..........it was one of the most painful things I have endured throughout this entire thing..............it. was hard for me to believe he would make such. a bad decision.....that they both would.......and despite my feelings or reservations, the ones I have shared very clearly with him........several times.............they choose to have her on Facetime every single time.........and I have learned to let it go.......the consequences of those actions will fall on him one day...............it is not a decision I feel comfortable with at all but I have learned that I don't have the same power I once had in my kid's lives and the relationship he chooses to have with them, and the consequences that come as a result belong to him...........and besides the only way to have prevented that from happening was to end Facetime and it means something to my kids, it is the one consistent piece of him that they get so I leave it alone................so in that moment that night.......in that feeling of wanting to die from listening to all of it, I made a decision.........a vow........that has changed my life........I vowed that I would NEVER listen to another one of their conversations, not ever again........and I have never listened to another Facetime and instead choose to use Facetime time for myself.......I go downstairs..........crank my music and run on the treadmill like my life depends on it.......and you know what it does.......my sanity lies in that one decision that I made, the decision to not unnecessarily torture myself........not spend my precious energy being consumed with nonsense.....................with pettiness...............instead transforming that energy and giving it back to ME..........Facetime has become ME TIME..........whatever that looks like.....giving to myself and nurturing myself, and it has without a doubt been one of the most important decisions I have made throughout this process........the thing that has given me the gift of self preservation.........because you see if I had committed.......instead.......to listening to every word of their calls......let it consume me........it would have.........the fact is there isn't anything that would have been said on their calls that would have caused me to traumatize my kids further, and turn the phone off, so I felt like there was no point........I had to LET GO......trusting that if something were said that was inappropriate, my kids would tell me, and they have........so I do not need to concern myself with any of it........and you know what has come as a result of that one decision........a physically fit and happy mama........one that isn't stressed very much of the time.........despite all that has happened...............a mama that has increased her level of fitness............like a lot.............has increased her endurance.......her strength.........her fitness goals........her desire to move forward each and every time..........her desire to set goals and reach them........a mama that uses that treadmill to leave all her pain and suffering behind.........run it right away.........and I am not sure where that instinct came from on that night..........but I am sure grateful it did........because the alternative would have destroyed me........I will continue to use that time for me and to make my life better and better.........using the horror that has come to find my family for good........setting a good example for my children, and showing them what productive coping skills look like.......what they feel like.......but most importantly the results of them...........a mom that shows up and is the one they need each and every day:)
jperuso
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