The word stranger is weird right? It conjures up specific feelings.....and I have most definitely written of this before.....but feel the need to explore it again.....because every once in awhile it hits me so clearly and deeply.......my ex and I are strangers.....in every single way....the definition being....."a person whom one does not know or with whom one is not familiar." And that is truest in the every sense.....and I am guessing he feels the same about me....both of us shedding our old life and selves so completely, that we no longer resonate with each other at all.....vibrating on completely different frequencies.......and on Wednesdays I go and pick up my kids from their house after dinner.....so I sit in my car and watch them say goodbye to their dad, and it is right in front of me, so I guess that is what strikes me about the depth of strangeness.....I used to get out of the car.....met with being ignored over and over, so staying in the car has become the way that makes more sense now.....I tried for a long time to spin a different narrative for us, and the resistance was so great that I have long since accepted it as such.....so as I watch this "stranger" say goodbye to my children, those children being the most familiar humans in my life....and it is SO surreal....I cannot express that enough......no other way to express it.....when you have children with a person....and you both interact with them.....there is such a special place there.....fondness in watching your person interact with the people that mean the most.....our children are such a precious piece of us.....and all of that feels so good....but all of that has vanished into the abyss of this story, and its aftermath......and watching them together still touches my heart, an older spot in me from long ago sometimes.....like remembering a dream or something.....but often the disbelief finds me in the reality of our new story...one that many times I still cannot believe is our truth ....if you have been reading for awhile you may remember that shock and awe I used to write about, well yeah.....it is still here.....so hard for me to wrap my head around most days.....like how did a person I spent 20 years with become THIS phantom stranger??? No recognition of who I used to know there anymore.....a different man.....a person I don't resonate with at all not even a little bit.....and because this is my story I don't know what is "normal" for this......I know that there are likely divorced couples and co parents that have it better than I.....and ones that are likely much worse too.....and maybe a bunch in between.....but there is no point in trying to figure out what is normal? This just is my story.......and how it is ......I guess this week was one that hit me again when I watched the surreal scene in front of me.....wondering what he thinks too....like for real thinks.....not how he acts.....but what goes on internally......that is always my curiosity....the life coach in me I guess;-) curious about the human condition endlessly and people's stories....and I would still be so curious to hear him recount his version of the last 3 years....through his lens.....his truth.......his feelings....his thoughts......all of it....if he would be honest in it all.....so for now we reside in this story......as total strangers....and the danger in that is great......for our children's sake, and for the fact that we have a lot of years to exist this way.....and I pray for him.....and for a shift to find his heart.....a way for him to face all that he has done, and find a way past it in a way that helps him find healing too....and in a way that can bridge the stranger gap.....and help us figure out a new relationship as co parents and champions of our children.....helping each other when the need arises and where they are concerned......I am always holding out hope for that......always......Amen
jperuso
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