Obviously I am reflecting on my marriage and my life before often, as this year has marched on.....and I have to say as eye opening as it has been it has also been a little dangerous.....the clarity that has found me has been intense......I feel like I am clearer now than I ever have been in my life as to where I am headed, the life I am leading now, my goals and aspirations, and my assessment of what happened before to some degree.....and in my hindsight. Which is painful......it is painful to remember some of what happened and remember me in those spaces and wonder what I was really thinking.....what made me think it was going to work out??.....really work out in the end??......and remembering what I tolerated.......oh my.....what I tolerated......and it is hard not to get judgey with your old self when you get clear and remember.......flashes come, in the remembering.....and they leave me wondering......wondering when some of the things that were present in the end got in?.....I don't remember allowing them in........and it certainly did not begin that way......that is the truth......but somewhere along the way, stuff snuck in that should not have been there......should not have been allowed to live in our marriage space.....and I think when you really love somebody....and I most definitely loved him.....you take the good with the bad......you believe that we are all flawed and that everybody has good and bad in them......and you decide if the good outweighs those other parts.....and I think that philosophy is healthy.....we need to offer grace to the people we love......but the danger comes in when our perspective becomes skewed.....and the things you start to accept are really not acceptable at all.....and I think that is where I found myself.......accepting what I shouldn't have.......and certainly won't again.....but that is where hindsight is dangerous.....because when it becomes crystal clear, as it has for me.......it diminishes my old life......with him.......cheapens it.....causes me to cringe at the thought.......and I know it wasn't all that way either.....I feel there were two parts I am grieving.....the healthy and loving place we lived in for years and then the rest.........and getting my perception right about them in this newfound light I have stepped into, is challenging sometimes.......it is curious to change so drastically and have the ability to look back at yourself, the you from not all that long ago, and just shake your head at the thought......and I guess the danger in hindsight is to oversimplify how easy it is to see yourself clearly when you are in a situation.....especially a powerful one like a marriage with a young family......so I need to be careful not to hold myself to such a standard, and really chastise my old self for not understanding sooner......she just couldn't......she had too much riding on the outcome.....and boy was she right.....however she was wrong about which outcome....the only outcome she ever considered was the one where her marriage works.....survives infidelity.....her husband finds his way back to the man she fell in love with all those years ago, and they live happily ever after......she never considered that behind door number two, there was a magical new life awaiting her, if she could just be brave enough, if she could just love herself enough, if she could just see herself as she should have, if she was just clear enough on what she wasn't going to allow any longer in her life........and the gift that was given to her was that door number 1 slammed shut.....never to be opened again......padlock......heavy locks......cemented shut for eternity........and that sweet mama had no choice but to be brave enough, and strong enough to open up door 2 and step through, and find the gold and the rainbow waiting on the other side of the storm......so I guess hindsight, albeit dangerous at times, serves as a really important piece of any journey......knowing clearly where you have been helps you know more clearly where you are headed, and where you never want to be again:)
jperuso
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