Some days I feel like I have it knocked and some days I am not so sure.......the push and the pull of this is complicated at best, and feels impossible at its worst.......it has been the deep lesson in this for me......to LET GO in all ways.......I have had to let go of a lot through this and continue to in the day to day......and it is not easy for any of us to do that.....we want to hang on tightly to the things of this world that mean so much to us......and before the end of my marriage I was hanging on so tightly to our marriage, and to our family, and hoping that if I hung on tightly enough it would somehow make it all work.....but in the hanging on my hands were bloodied and I didn't even realize it, or feel it....... because my focus was on that hanging on, not the idea that maybe I should be the one to let go........and since that night I have had to let go of it all.....of him.....our marriage........our sweet little family......our life together......my ideas about what I thought my life was going to be.....what it was "supposed" to be.......my future.......our dreams together.......all of it.........it had to be released as I have moved through it......like balloons floating in the sky....... in the day to day interactions with us I have had to let go of a lot, the biggest one is trying to control what he does with the kids....I have let go of what kind of dad he will be moving forward and accept what it is..........trying to let go of the expectations I had of him.....this is one of the hardest ones to do........I still struggle and expect a different outcome most times......and have to catch myself......I let go of my own ego and not allow it to be available to be rattled........if something happens that causes me to become annoyed and I want to react......I try and revisit the letting go.......I make a conscious decision to just let go, not my business, not worth the effort to hang on......and the letting go has carried over into my life.....I release lots of things now and not sweat the small stuff.....it is easier......because it is in the letting go that gives us peace and prevents suffering......it makes it so we can meet another day and not feel so overwhelmed about what lies ahead.......just accept the flow of life.....what is meant to come......what is supposed to go.......where we are at any given moment is the right one.......not overthink it too much just let it be.......I will always wish that this never had to happen and that it could have gone the other way.......but I am learning to let go of our life together in a real way......one piece at a time......each day.........so that I can create space for the new........
jperuso
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