Sometimes something will happen that hits me so hard......or brings my new reality into stark focus......my kids go to their dad's for dinner on Wednesdays. His girlfriend picks up Mads from school, and grabs Gabe from the late bus, and then they have dinner at their place, and I go and grab them around 8. And I have chosen to make a huge concession in this story regarding all of that......by choosing to communicate with his girlfriend......the former "other woman"......and I do most of my functioning and communicating in this relationship between us, because I am choosing the easier route for the sake of my children.....the court would not abide that though......they would not think it is suitable that my ex husband's girlfriend is the one I communicate with or "deal with" most of the time......if I felt it would serve anybody, and I chose to go back to court, they would force his hand on communicating and other things.....but instead I have chosen to concede.....a conscious choice....and the nature of conceding, surrendering or yielding, at first glance may seem like a weak maneuver.......like giving up......but quite the opposite is true......it has required great strength......and resolve...... to concede in the ways I have needed to to survive this story and hold onto my peace......to choose peace and the happiness of my children over my own feelings and pride and ego......and to her credit....his girlfriend has met me there.....in the land of concessions.....and we have found our way to a decent degree......considering where our story began......it may be one of the other things I am most proud of in this story.....becoming friendly with the "other woman" for the sake of my children and their well being......finding a way to work toward some healing there, and progress, and she has made a great effort to to make this as smooth as it can be too, and we both do that alongside his resistance.......so yesterday I was pulling around my corner to meet a coaching client at my house and listening to music, and not paying attention to the time.....and I passed the late bus.....realizing that I was going to pass my children with his girlfriend at the bus stop and Gabe getting picked up, and I braced myself.........I came around the corner, and I beeped and slowed down and waved....and I saw Gabe look at me with some longing as he was getting into her car...... as if he wished I was picking him up, not because he doesn't like his dad's girlfriend or want to see his dad...... but just because he likes being home in his own house, doing his own things.......and the ache that took me over in that moment was real.....passing my children living another part of their life.....one I am not a part of.....one that I have to surrender to......one that I just have to work toward accepting each and every time.....and I continued up the road thinking how surreal life is sometimes.....how it can all come into sharp focus sometimes, and how we can only do our best to live in our stories, the best we can......so I tried to put it out of my mind, deeply breathe and I came home and did some chores, and then met with my client.....and went to get my children.....and my ex has no idea how many concessions I have had to make to live in HIS story....the one he created for us to all live in.......just endlessly.....and he would never have survived this story in reverse.....of that I am certain.....watching his children being picked up by another man.....one that I had cheated on him with.....never would he have found a way to live in that story.....never......but I guess it is good he doesn't have to. And the effort I make to live in it for the sake of my children is for the greater good of us all, so I breathe deeply......I surrender......I accept.......focusing on controlling the things I can change, and being good to myself and my kids, .....and surrendering the things I cannot.....just over and over.....Amen.......
jperuso
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