Truth is there were several times before the end that I had discovered pieces of my husband's affair, the first time nearly killed me from shock and awe. I thought I may die from the pain and suffering.....and each time it came to the forefront, and I was faced with its ugly truth it took a piece of me with it. But even in all of that I never thought it would end......I always believed that love would prevail and that we would win........I truly did........ Now you may be wondering why on earth would you allow yourself to go through that and more than once? I suppose it is a good question but not a simple one.......there were circumstances surrounding our D-days each time that led me to opening my heart again and continuing on, and a belief in what we were building that kept me strong in that decision, for us and our children.......and some days I wish I hadn't endured those critical blows to my soul......repeatedly.......because each piece of his affair I endured hurt me deeply.......but I also feel in the aftermath that the knowledge that I tried as hard as I could, until I couldn't, helps me rest easy in the peace of our new life.......the chances and grace I extended to him in the face of his breaking of our vows was not appreciated and most certainly taken for granted......I see that clearly now......and anybody that has been betrayed, and chooses to stay, knows the deep pain that comes with it, and the bravery it requires to try and mend that kind of wound to your marriage, and to your life with somebody.......it is one of the hardest things I had ever done......to offer that kind of chance, with an open heart, and a spirit of helping us heal in the hopes we could find our way on the other side........I believed in the work we were doing in therapy, that he was doing individually, and in the place I thought we both agreed we were heading in.......yet something kept him from committing fully, and from being brave enough to just make his decision........until that Thursday night.......and for me I still have yet to know what tipped the scales for him.......what made him decide that he was going to choose her again and this time for good over his family........it is a question that I wrestle with sometimes.......because now in watching him live his new reality it is clear it was not what he thought it would be......not his best choice......or his best life........but how does one get caught up in that? The mystery will forever stay with me.........and the trauma of withstanding such a thing cannot be underestimated......each time a part of his deception and betrayal was revealed, it was like my soul got hit by a cannon........it was a physical blow to my heart and soul.........leaving me despondent and dazed for days in its wake........physically shaking in the moment of impact for hours........unable to eat or sleep..........trauma in every sense......and as I said sometimes I wonder why I allowed myself to experience such an awful thing, more than once..........because it is so damaging and such a profound thing to endure.......and now having the luxury of hindsight I know that it was meant to be this way.....and that I would not have done it differently.......I needed to know that I had exhausted all my abilities to save my sweet family and my marriage, with one hundred percent certainty....I also needed to evolve over the last three years in the ways that I have, do the therapy as I went to help in the final act of letting go........I don't think the Jenn of three years ago could have let it all go in that moment......and I am grateful he didn't leave then.......my marriage meant so much to me, and was such a deep part of me that I believe it required a gradual letting go.......that naturally took place as we journeyed the last three years......the final act of our marriage......and in the big moments that found us in the last three years I was given the opportunity to let a piece at a time go, or gain some more strength, power, or wisdom on the other side to ultimately allow myself to survive the end..........that Thursday night.......despite feeling heartbroken and small that night.........that Jenn had grown in strength that she didn't even realize in these last years and now I see it was all leading to that moment.......the moment where I was to use that strength and wisdom to help me not only survive it now, but to learn to thrive in the face of the worst moments of my life.......He had many chances to change the course of his life.......of our marriage, of his family........and he chose what he thought was best for him........but what he didn't realize is he actually made a choice that turned out to be best for me........truly........funny how life works........
jperuso
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