I wrote about the challenges Mads is having at her dad's house some a little while back, and that I am seeking to solve them......and it is not that she does not want to see him, but there are some circumstances, and complications that make that challenging for her.....and they are ones that need resolution........and the kids and I hiked and spent some fun times singing in the woods, and hanging out before I had to take them to their dad's house yesterday.....I was singing "Every Little Thing" and I didn't know Gabe knew it until I started, and he jumped right in, and Mads liked it......asking if I can always sing it to her if she is sad.....and I agreed:).....they do not know that that was a song my ex and I shared.....one that he used to sing me long ago to soothe me.....and make me believe that every little thing is gonna be alright, on repeat......but sometimes it isn't before it is......and so before we left to go to their dad's house Mads was riding her bike, and Gabe had the car door open, and she was yelling for him to close it, and he kinda froze and didn't, and she hit the door and then fell....luckily she did not get super hurt, think it scared her more than anything.....but it was not a great way to begin the weekend when she has already been feeling some kinda way......so I soothed her, and sang to her......and we set off......and when we got there I got out to hug them both.....and she rallied herself bravely, and hugged me and told me she would miss me.....then came back for another hug.....and another.....and when she was walking across the yard I said I love you Mads have a great weekend.....and she turned around and fell apart and came running back....:( And I cannot really articulate how that feels.....so many of the more excruciating and difficult parts have visited me through my children's sadness and grief.......and this felt like that.....and I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing she just felt sad about leaving me......and it just broke my heart....and I held her face and talked to her.....speaking life and love, and hope and letting her know her dad loves her and is crazy about her........ and that if she needs me to call me, or if she wants to come home she can, or any of it......and she soothed and then went in......and I sat there in the driveway for a moment......wondering how this is my life......sometimes it is still so hard to believe.....and I was so relieved when Mads texted me last night, and was doing well.....and I was so glad to hear from her......and I am hoping her weekend is good.....and I will check in with her again this morning and along the way......and I am working on my plan to hopefully rectify it some for her....she wants to see her dad and loves him fiercely....but I have seen the conflict creep in.....and the wanting to spend more time with me, and in her home than go there......and she will be able to choose, legally in a couple of years......and I am not sure what she will choose.....and it hurts my heart for everybody involved, including their dad.....and I visited with a friend on my deck last night, which helped .....trying to surrender....and let go of the things I cannot change so easily......and I look forward to tomorrow when I hear them hit the front door, and know they are home with me again.......and in the meantime I am sending them my love from their mama's heart......
jperuso
Comments