This month is retrograde all month long....and we all see the memes joking around about it but it is a thing;-) and for me it is retrograding in a healing place in my chart....and actually is a nod to the writing I am doing this month, my rough copy of my chapter come May.....my story, and I expect I will find more healing in that.......and by the way, for those of you that are interested, the energy ahead for May and June is lovely, so hang in this month;-) But as stuff has been dredged up from the bottom so to speak....I am realizing the deepest betrayal I felt in the end of my marriage....and at points throughout.....is the contrast between his words to me and his actions......and it has come up recently for me too......and when you have somebody telling you most of what you want to hear.....expressing their love for you, and that they are in it to win it for your marriage....yet what they do doesn't align......it feels like deep betrayal....and it has happened to me so often in my life.....and now it is a flag.....I watch what people do, far more than what they say to me.....and that is my bar......for the people I have in my life.....and I am realizing it is so painful to have somebody betray you with words....so painful.......telling you they love you but not acting like it.....it is cruel.......and not showing up as they say they will....or said they would......and couple with that the fact that I pay attention to words.....I love words lol......and believe what people say mostly......I am not a skeptical human....not at all......if somebody says something I believe it is their experience, or I believe they believe it.....and I don't question it......until it becomes obvious that I should.....but the truth is people lie.....to others, but mostly to themselves......wishing....maybe even wanting to be different than they are.....I give my ex the benefit of the doubt often....and STILL do......and I think the other part that I wonder about sometimes was the intent......I wonder how intentional it all was....the betrayal I mean......was that methodical and intentional amid the story he found himself in......or was it more birthed on the wings of the situation he found himself in.....and a way for him to survive the double life he had created during that time?? It will forever make me wonder.....because in one assessment of it, and take on it, he is a monster......plain and simple....and I do not say that lightly.....if I accounted all of the lies and deception I endured for so long, and awful treatment you would agree......but on the other side......perhaps it was survival for him.....and it just snowballed.....and really as I type this, it doesn't matter.....not in a real sense anymore.....but sometimes I do really wish I knew how he felt about it.....and his take......and I will say that EVERY woman I have spoken to....that has been cheated on.....says the same thing I did....it was not the physical act or their partner stepping out that got to them as much as the lying and the deception.....the biggest betrayal indeed......however what matters now.....to me is the piece I expressed above....watching and looking for actions and words aligning.....and those are the only friends I am interested in having.....and people in my life moving forward, period.....and I make no apologies about that.....because anything less than that betrays me all over again.....and I also think it is OK to hold our people accountable for that....I think demanding people that tell you they love you, show you too is what we should expect from our people.....and as I move through whatever energy this month brings for me to examine.....and through Monday's eclipse energy.....I know that I am on the right path to continue examining and healing......releasing the pieces I need to along the way, and finding myself surrounded by people who love me in word and DEED:)
jperuso
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