You know it is interesting......to think about the evolution of humans.....and watching our journeys unfold.....I am so much more aware, and cognizant of the subtle nuances, and seemingly random moments in the lives of those around me......feeling as if there is nothing random about them.....the divine orchestra, having its say.......and the funny thing is there are some folks that don't seem to evolve much at all in this life.....sorta remain static....and have been themselves forever.....and remain that way......and I marvel at that.....but I also understand that their journey isn't about that....or maybe their free will keeps having its say....and the resistance in them remains a big barrier to change......to REAL change....and for me, this life has been about evolution.....and change......I have had big stuff find me, at key points along the way....and those moments have touched down in my heart and soul to transform it deeply.....moments of impact......if you will......and so evolving....and pushing myself to examine stuff, and move forward or through it, has become like second nature......I have become acutely aware of my stuff, and the stuff of others around me......and in that spirit.....at this juncture.....I find myself in the space in between.....the battle between who I have been, and who I will become........and it is uncomfortable......I have two Jenns sitting on my shoulder, sometimes trying to have their say and guide me through what comes.....and the old Jenn still shows up.....and she has the greatest of intentions.....she really does......but she doesn't look out for herself like the new one does.....she doesn't honor herself the way the new one does....she doesn't lay great boundaries, or say enough to things that are well....enough;-) .....so it occurred to me that sometimes the discomfort I feel in this chapter of my life......or the things I battle.....are the places in between.....the battlefield in between.....the one where I choose ME.......always......and forever......MYSELF and my well being.....not the well being of others OVER my own.....which I have done so many times, and that is deeply a part of me....and I have to fight it fiercely......and I need to remind myself of it often....or I get lulled into old Jenn stuff.....I shared a meme that said "My Commitment to myself is REAL".....and no truer words have been spoken.....I have my own back now in this chapter fully.....and I have abandoned myself for others often in this life.....and I won't ever do that again....not ever......and I suppose I write this morning about it.....because I can feel the transition place I am in, deeply right now......in several areas of my life.....and I am fighting through it with my sword;-) knowing that I need to be fierce and brave....and keep my eye on the woman I seek to be....making eye contact with her.....seeing her, smiling at her, and fighting my way to her.....knowing that SHE is the woman I want to be in the second half of my life.....and I seek to be her because THAT woman stands up for me.....she fights for me......she demands the things that I need and deserve....and when she steps forward it all becomes crystal clear.....and I love the way it feels to be her......powerful in every way......and I hope one day, soon......to fully shed the old spaces I seek to leave behind.....not ever forget what needs to go fully.....so I can step into the woman that is waiting for me fully, leaving the rest behind for good.....but I know this journey requires patience.....commitment.....consciousness......effort.....and faith.....and I am trusting that one day the new woman I am becoming, will feel as much like home as the old Jenn did, I know that and trust that fully....so in the space between I will honor both women, and keep fighting the good fight, trusting it is leading to all the places meant for me:) And future ME;-)
jperuso
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