Even from where I sit I truly believe in the art of marriage.........that it is a noble endeavor and one of the greatest adventures we can take in this life......to take on life, and change, and individual journeys as a team, and try our best to conquer them all......it is such a hard journey to pull off, and I see that more clearly now, as two people are going through their own stuff, and that stuff is contributing to their union in profound and sometimes difficult ways. And even from today I believe it is a worthwhile one........and I am glad I got to get up to bat in this lifetime and swing for the fence..........I will always be grateful that I got to share a marriage with him...........always.........however most of the time these days the desire to marry again, down the road, is not one that appeals to me.......it sort of saddens me to say that but it is the truth.......for now........I always considered myself a "marriage person".........somebody who loved being married, centered my whole life around that union, and thought that there would never be a time in my life where I would find myself.............not married...........and yet............here I am.......single and free.........which is both odd and wildly exciting..........and sometimes both at once.......then there are other days where a quiet whisper whispers in my ear and says "maybe HE is out there"........."the true love of your life".......the one you haven't met yet.........the one that will change your whole life and mind about all this marriage business..........and perhaps he is........and that is such a lovely thought too.......fun to daydream about him and what he may be like and what adventures we could have........but the fact remains the second option the one where the love of my life comes riding up is much more complicated, in my mid life self.........because I am not settling for anything.........not anything.........he would truly have to be the love of my life for him to convince me my life needs him........and I think when you have reached this part of life and you are looking at potential suitors, you are not so willing to put up with stuff you would in your 20's........boy is that the truth.........and your wish list becomes extensive and exhaustive.........like of Disney prince proportions.....lol;-). And I am very clear that nobody is perfect, and most certainly I am not either........so it puts you in an odd space........great expectations.........big shoes to fill..........however I am requiring myself to fill those shoes too.........I am working on myself every day so I can be the best Jenn for me, my kids, and maybe Prince Charming too............and you know what it is all OK......for now.........I don't worry about Prince Charming........I don't feel panicked if he doesn't exist......I am growing comfortable in my party of one status, I truly am........some days that feels more comfortable than the idea of him.........and certainly if he pulled into my driveway today, or rolled up on a white horse LOL, I am not ready to meet him either.......I am keenly aware of my not being ready for any of that at this place in my journey.........I got wings to learn how to use......to flex........to learn about, and it is super exciting for me.........to just follow my intuition and follow my heart each and every day......comfortable in what is.......a special kind of freedom indeed:)
jperuso
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