No matter how much I grow, learn, know, do, reflect, ponder, understand, and be.....the little quiet ache that remains a part of me won't fully dissipate.....and it is curious to me....I am not sure where it lives.....I don't think it lives in my mind.....or my soul.....but I think it lives along the crack that went down the center of my heart 10 months ago.......and it pulses once in awhile.... the heart is definitely slower on these matters than the rest....and it gets triggered in a moment.....like a little dormant grief spot, hiding away, waiting to be pricked and step forward......it is usually triggered by some heavy family memory.....the four of us....our special little unit on this earth....one that we brought into existence....one that belonged to us....and now one that belongs to none of us.....although I guess most days I inherited the remains....as I am blessed to be forming an even more solid unit in our party of three.....as if he left the circle and I am watching his space being closed.....but even though our party of three is having a really good time.......and we truly are.....there is still this subtle ache......this gnaw on my soul that won't fully sit down......reminding me....pricking tears in my eyes sometimes.....at the thought it comes riding in on.....having our babies together.....seeing our kids complete milestones......fiercely fighting for Gabe.....fighting adversity hand in hand.......our wedding day.......breakfast sandwiches.......a life......one we had created.......you get the idea........the deeper parts......beyond the parts that don't make me ache......the parts that mattered.....the ones that kept us in each other's hearts for as long as we were.....and sometimes I wish that ache would just finally vanish into the universe where the rest of my sadness and despair went.....but I fear that it will remain all of my days......the remembering......the time before the ugly end.......and when it comes I honor its voice.....its existence in me......understanding that it is a legitimate space in this......one I cannot skip if I want to be whole.....and I do.......so when the ache comes.....I invite it in.....deeply listen to it....shed some tears.....and let it go......it is painful to watch what it has to say.....it always highlights those deep sweet family spaces that were the hardest for me to let go of in the beginning....the ones that made me feel like my soul was ripping in half......and so when I am reminded it hurts deeply......but it also doesn't hurt as much as it used to.....so maybe I can hope for the day when it will barely hurt at all.....not even the ache?.......maybe?......I suspect that this part.....the once upon ache.....is where the majority of my kid's pain lives.....their grief staying in that spot.....wishing for their family to be back together.....wishing for a mom and dad and some kids under one roof.......and I get it....I do.....it is the only truly intense grief spot I have.....once in awhile I get a flash of he and I in our sunnier days....our couple life.........the love we shared.....the deep places we have been with each other....the way we knew the deepest parts of each other and connected there when we were able.....and it hits me there too.....like OUCH......like a flash of a life in a dream......but the reality that now stands.....makes all that more palpable....easier to live in.....like passing a mirage in a desert......because truth is the once upon ache, aches for places that no longer exist.....ones that are gone......gone forever.....and I know that very clearly.......there is no way for any of us to find our way back to those places......amid the burned bridges.....the smoldering burning fires.....the new people we have all become....our special spot in the universe no longer suits any of us.....we don't fit there anymore......but I know the kids and I will find another place in this life.....where we fit perfectly.....some days it feels like we already have:)
jperuso
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