In the last two months I feel as if I have changed more than I have in my entire life.....it is actually hard to describe and put into words because of how profound it has been to me......I try and remember the Jenn on the random Thursday night.....like I am looking at her from the outside and there were so many things about her I loved so dearly....such a sweetness and openness in her......to try and offer herself to another......out of the goodness in her.....out of the belief in her that that offering would help set the other person free, help them live their life in the best way they could......I picture her offering her light to another over and over again.....and for some reason that person never could really see that light in the way it existed, in the way it was offered....the way it was intended........instead the person felt blinded by it, not appreciative of it in the right way.......in the spirit it was given..........it irritated their own darkness.....the Jenn of before had beautiful thing to offer, was such a believer in so many beautiful things in life but she lacked one piece.......a very important piece.....and it was the piece of taking all that love she had to share , that she had been sharing all those years, and giving more to herself......she sacrificed so much of herself and gave so much love away, sometimes not being left with very much to offer herself.....not knowing her worth, her value........what she was in a true sense, even believing that maybe her light was too much.....maybe there was something wrong with it? The new Jenn knows very clearly how to love herself.....how to appreciate it......and never plans on dimming it for anybody ever again.......the before Jenn also lacked boundaries to some degree.....she did not have enough of a definitive line where her peace mattered at all costs.....where peace was her priority........she has learned that now......there are pieces of me that absolutely died that night......those are the pieces I am not sure I will ever find again.....I mourn the loss of those things.....those broken pieces......my view of my life forever shattered.........all of it......however in that spirit I think of all the pieces of the Jenn from that night that I salvaged and in the last two months I have refined and polished those pieces....having them all work to keep me surviving and dare I say thriving during this incredibly painful process.....because some things remain true, and have ALWAYS been true...... Jenn from then and now always had deep strength, she has always had gratitude, faith, and courage.....she could always do hard things.....she has always been brave, she could always find the positive in the dark........she was always independent......she was always strong......she was always kind and loving......but now she is all those things and so much more and I am so darn proud of her.......proud of how she is owning her place in this world and not apologizing for any of it.....
jperuso
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