I came across a picture awhile ago......It was in the middle of my ex husband's affair.....when I knew about it, and we were in what I thought was the restoration phase of our marriage.....weekly therapy and working really hard to put it all back together.......but really most days I felt I was turning myself into a pretzel to try and make it all work, and feeling so stressed looking over my shoulder endlessly.....and when he started his affair I was feeling pretty good about myself.....my body....my weight.....Mads was two and I had dropped all of the weight from that pregnancy and then some.....landing at a size 8.......but then as the fallout happened, and I found out about all of it.....there was a middle part of that two year journey that I did not feel good in my skin.....we had come back from the OBX....under the strain of our marital problems, and I felt uncomfortable in my bathing suit that entire week......and just not good about myself in general......and had gained about 25 pounds or so in that span of time.....so I took to the job of solving it......and fixing it......which I had always been able to do pretty easily....knowing what worked for my body......so I decided to take pictures in a tank and my underwear weekly as I started to exercise, and watch my diet in the desperate hope of things changing......I thought the pictures would inspire me as it all started to take hold......but instead what happened was I looked to him to support me in it and I could see his judgement of me.....feel it......that had not ever been present in our marriage before, and at the time my not knowing his affair was raging on, and I was being compared to his girlfriend......but even in not knowing that......my heart felt that.....and so week after week not much changed, despite my efforts......and what I have come to realize in this new life I have, and in the new success I have found in changing my body and my health relatively easily......is THIS.......no amount of white knuckle diet or exercise will change a thing IF your head is in a swamp, and you are dumping negative self talk on yourself, and absorbing those things from your spouse or boyfriend........it takes an enormous amount of strength in a situation such as that to overcome......like dragging a truck uphill with your own hands........it all starts in your mind......like I said yesterday, those mantras for instance......no matter what I told myself then, and whatever army of stuff I tried to deploy onto my problem then, was powerless against the weight of the poisonous dysfunction that had overtaken my heart, mind, and soul.....and he didn't believe in me in that moment.....or care to cheer me on.....and in turn neither did I......so suffice to say my side by side pictures from then are like night and day.....like two completely different women......the woman on the left......slouching.....ashamed.....a little chubby......sad........overwhelmed.......tired.....and trying so damn hard.......and just feeling worthless trying to save her family and marriage......not being well loved.......the girl on the right.......standing straight and tall.......shoulders back.....smiling........toned.....muscular.....healthy.......and strong......and well loved by HERSELF........and it all originated in my mind......and once I got my mind straight........my body followed.......easily.......so if you are in a situation where somebody is dumping their stuff on you on top of your own stuff......try and take a look at it.....get help.......and give yourself GRACE......you ARE ENOUGH and WORTHY despite the reflection in the mirror that you see and the story you tell yourself about her......be kind to her......she deserves it.......if nobody told you that today.......let me be the first:)
jperuso
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