So on the radio, or in pop music, there is no shortage of music, normally written by women, about some guy that betrayed them in some awful way, and on the other side it made them stronger.....wiser........tougher......and more.........I think I may have come across most of those songs in the last 9 months, if not all it seems ;-) ....... and as I listen to the lyrics, I am keenly aware of how much truth lies there......that the experience I am now having must not be all that unique.....that there is an army of women out there, like me, that have been transformed by the flames.....by being set on fire by the one they loved........but the credit doesn't, or shouldn't go to the man...........even though the songwriter usually eludes to them having the credit......he doesn't "make" the woman stronger.....that responsibility lies within the said woman......however the man in the story serves as a catalyst.....albeit a strong one.......no question......however having said all of that......there are times when I want to tell him THANK YOU........maybe the oddest of feelings and desires that step forward in this....."Thank you for breaking my heart......thank you for temporarily shattering all I have ever held dear......thank you for making me feel as if I might die of pain and heartache.....thank you for bringing the most painful experience of my adult life to me.....thank you....." Sounds INSANE right.....I know I feel the same.....yet.......I am grateful to him......YIKES right??? GRATEFUL???????? I am........grateful that if he was struggling, as much as he clearly was.......and was unable to move forward in a real way......that he CUT ME LOOSE.....set me FREE.......realizing that I wasn't his anymore......even though I didn't know yet.....he must have......he must have known as clearly as I do now.....that I was not his to keep......to cage up.....while he did the things he did.......I don't think the awareness was conscious on his part.....it was driven by selfish things......by thinking of himself not me.....but in the end it turned out to be the wisest thing he could do for me.......truly a wise gesture......maybe he did know I would land on my feet....come back stronger......and tougher.....he knew me pretty well, saw me face things in our life together that were daunting, and he was proud of my strength, but at other times he also hated it......love and hate with Jenn's power.....not ever being able to make up his mind.....which he thought......did he love that his wife was strong????.....or did he hate her for it???? Not sure he could ever truly answer that question.......not in an honest way......and maybe not even now.....I know the night he left he wasn't worried that I would never recover, or that I would be destroyed, or that I wouldn't care for his children, and do it well.....that they would eat.....he knew I wouldn't take to bed....and neglect them in any way....he knew that......because he knew me......he expressed that I deserved a better man and said he knew I would find one........as he was walking out the door......somebody that deserved me.......and so I like to think he saw this as the possible outcome.....that I may have the ability to transform my life and end up being in a better spot than I was before....but either way....whether he knew or he didn't.....it doesn't really matter.....because in the end on the wings of the worst thing that has ever happened to me......he also somehow managed to give me the greatest gift I have EVER received in ALL OF MY life from another person.....he gave me my freedom from him, and what our marriage was doing to my soul....what his choices and his life was doing to me......he freed me from those chains......so yeah......I do feel really thankful for my walking papers.....because I am not sure, even knowing all I know now that I could have EVER freed myself......I wanted us to work so bad......I wanted our story to find the happily ever after....and was willing to sacrifice it all.......had blinders on....for the kids.....for me.....for all of us........working to achieve that......so today I thank you Nick......for giving me a gift I was unable to give to myself......the gift of stepping away and allowing me to love myself finally.....to find myself finally.....to find peace.....and joy......and fulfillment.....to live in authenticity and out loud......and have the chance to find love in my life someday.....REAL love.....POWERFUL love......love that bears all things.....believes all things.....hopes all things....and endures all things.....the kind of love I thought we had......but turns out we didn't..............so thank you.........truly.......I will forever be grateful that not one more moment of MY LIFE was wasted......not one more!
jperuso
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