I realized the other day when I was talking to somebody, that I have a lot of grief related to how my marriage will be immortalized..........like a lot......lots of tears and pain right under the surface.....when you have something that is so sacred to you.....so important to you.... your life's work in so many ways.........turn so ugly, so damaged, so broken, in a moment.....it is hard to swallow.....hard to reconcile......hard to find a place for.......never in my wildest dreams did I imagine or see all of this......or think that I would feel embarrassed about him.....and for him.....or about us and the end........not ever.....it makes my stomach hurt to type that......but I do......I cannot believe this is it......the forever end.......to something that once upon a time was quite beautiful.....quite real......quite strong.....quite something......but not for awhile.....that is true......so it is like I have worked on a sculpture that I was so proud of, for half of my life and in the end the sculpture falls, suddenly from its pedestal, and crashes to the floor in pieces.....my most prized work.....the thing I was most proud of......the thing that made me sort of me......I was a married kinda gal.....until I wasn't......but when I look at the pieces that shattered, and feel that it was all for nothing in the end.......kneeling on the floor examining the pieces.......that isn't really true.......because out of those pieces my authentic self was able to finally emerge.......out of the wreckage......the REAL me stepped forward.......so I suppose the price I paid for that was worth it, and will remain worth it.......and will help me not feel that my marriage was a sham......a waste of my effort......all of it....because truth is it feels that way sometimes.....but it isn't the truth......and wasn't for a long time......the end wasn't the whole.....but it sure makes you feel that way.....when you give your heart and soul so freely.....so fully......so honestly.....so ALL IN and end up here......and what I need to think of it as, is a vessel.....a vessel that brought me right here.......in this moment.......in this time......in my life.......right here.....and really I had to break so fully......so exquisitely......so completely........that I had no choice but to begin again and truly reinvent myself and find out who I am....without him.....without my marriage.....without all of it.........but it still is so hard.......so hard to have the end live in this space.......this space
of:(........just so hard.......but I didn't write the final act......I was a supporting actress in my role....... but most definitely not the writer.......but I do get to write the new story....the first act in a new and beautiful story........I am the author......I am the creator of what happens next.......of what the next part of my life holds.......and it isn't subject to unreliable people.......people I can't trust.......people that I can't depend on......folks that continue to hurt me......none of that.......so I try and imagine my marriage as something beautiful at one time......something I treasured......something I held dear......and I imagine it being suddenly set on fire.......and from the ashes.......I emerged......a person reborn......much stronger......way wiser.....more evolved......tougher......all of it.......and I suppose that that makes our tainted love a little easier to swallow indeed.........
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