I went to Shop Rite to grab our from home order and was heading back, in my car, masked with the kids in the car.....carrying an intense weight on my shoulders.....and then I passed him.....he was headed in the other direction......I am sure he saw us......and it is in those moments that I cannot imagine what he must be thinking or how it feels to be him......it must be absolutely awful or poke deeply at him......or maybe not........him going about his business, doing his thing.....while I do the heavy lifting......and truth is I could not tolerate ever being away from my kids or move anywhere without them.....and most definitely not while they were sick....would take wild horses......and I am right where I am supposed to be.....this is a job I take seriously in every single way......my kids will always know they come first for me.....above all else and that every single thing I do, every breath I take, is for them.....every single day.....and passing him left me with that feeling......the one I hate.....that feeling of disbelief that this is real life.....not the part where we aren't together.....that was most definitely the right one........but the part where we are essentially strangers now.....no connection whatsoever.....except the residue that is left behind......the faintest remembrance of a life......a shared life.....one that made some sorta sense.....and our position in the world as parents to our children, partners in that.....and now.....well.....we aren't despite my deep desire to be......and I never lose hope....not ever.....hope floats indeed.....but for now....it leaves my stomach sick....making me wonder if it will ever seem less strange.....if I will ever get used to it.....to the passing him on the three lane as if we never knew each other.....an unspoken new rule book that can't be breeched......it just seems ridiculous to me.....really.....like such a waste of precious energy in this life.....and it makes it doubly hard.....because I was gearing up to celebrate my first solo holiday with my family.....using their support to carry me through.....and now it is just the three of us....and my strategy as always is to look toward the light and the blessings and there are many at the moment.....Gabe's trajectory through this, mine and Mads' continued health through it.....all of it....the kids will have an amazing Christmas, I was able to provide for them.....we have all we need.....good food, heat.....all of it.....but yet....there is a sad part of my heart.....I just can't help it....human I am......and I am taking it as it comes.....using this time to chill a little bit.....rest, movies......do fun stuff with the kids to the best of my ability.....just accept......accept on repeat.....and today as we passed each other on the road I am left with the same thought as I always am.....will he ever really understand? Does he feel bad inside and pretend he doesn't......... Is it even possible......is it possible to understand the way I feel watching somebody I knew, and believed in more than anything, disintegrate in front of my eyes.....into somebody I don't understand or recognize at all.....total 360 in every sense.....does that ever make sense? Can it? Will it ever sit better with me....more comfortable......I am guessing maybe the answer is no and yes......no I won't ever fully come to terms with it, but at a certain point it won't matter at all to me.....it already doesn't matter nearly as much as it once did.....and yes my life will go on and I will take on this next year living my dreams, and leave this in the rearview nearly fully, and only have to touch it as it pertains to my kids......but for now it pokes me.....it just does.......being co parents and friends is important to me.....and this strange stuff that goes on......is foreign to anything I have ever experienced in all my life.....and I won't ever understand.....I just won't......and the sadness surfacing of last Christmas, and the year anniversary of his leaving is fast approaching and it comes bringing my soul's sense of knowing......so today Mads and I are healthy, Gabe is still doing well, and I have some fun stuff on tap with them today.....and I am going to meditate, workout and run.....and leave the rest behind today:)
jperuso
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