Surfing.......

In the last year plus surfing has become sorta my thing......learning to accept what is happening.....all that is beyond my control.....what comes.....all of it.....and sometimes there are things that I wish would not come and visit me over and over......things I keep feeling like maybe I am past but then they come up again.....and I guess grief is like that, even if the loss came with immense blessings......grief is grief right? It is funny some latent anger has surfaced as of late......surprising me sorta......but as I have said often, I accept whatever comes.....not fighting it or judging it or giving it a timeline.......just embracing it, and let me tell you something.....my new kickboxing bag and gloves is a game changer......it has helped me so much in such a short time work through some of those tougher emotions.....ones that need a place to go.....the ones that feel uncomfortable.......the ones that you want to put down......the ones that burn your hands.....and make your heart feel heavy.....so as this anger swell has found me, I am surfing through it in my mind and heart and in my body......I cannot stress the importance of getting out of our heads and into our bodies.......if I had not worked out and done what I have done I am not sure where I would be now.....you cannot think your way out of the darkness and the woods.......there is most definitely a connection between us moving and pressing that button in us, and moving through our emotional walls.......my therapist says it all the time too.....he works with clients, trying to tell them the value, the importance in such things and it is hard for folks to make the leap........to believe in the value and get themselves over the hump........so as these challenging feelings surface.......my astrological chart speaks to these challenging things...darn Saturn;-) I will continue to surf the waves.....as they come....not deny, not push, not stuff my feelings.......healing happens by feeling, even if it is uncomfortable......and sometimes it is.......it just is.......sometimes I feel there is SO much I need to say, that I may burst......and that carries such frustration for me.........not being able to be heard.......by the person that needs to hear me........or needed to......and I have made peace with it over and over and maybe forever.......maybe the waves come over and over again......each time a little smaller.......a little easier to surf.......not so overwhelming or big........but there.......until the wave loses all of its power? Maybe........I try and have grace and patience when the waves come because truth is I am not super far down this road.......and I have traveled so far in such a short amount of time......so again......no judgement.......no frustration......no timeline for grief.......it just is.........and each and every moment of this journey I have been given the tools I needed.......Remember the game Zelda, where the little character got the stuff that was needed......that is how I feel sometimes:) That as I have needed something along this journey it shows up in the most perfect and appropriate ways......and for now that is my kickboxing bag and the new outlet in my life.......and it will help me have the energy, the resilience, and the happiness I need to just keep surfing.......wind in my hair......smile on my face......tear in my eye......whatever the day calls for......I will just keep surfing......until maybe one day I am sitting on my board just floating, in calm and still water admiring the sun go down:)