Sunday......

Yesterday did not turn out as planned......I had planned on having a quiet morning and then helping decorate for the PASS Halloween party......and I ended up sleeping later, talking to a few friends then heading there to help! Once down there I got word that Mads was feeling sicker, she has had a cold for a few days, and Gabe had strep Friday but started an antibiotic.....I am assuming she has joined him now......so no Halloween party for us......so I salvaged the day and took to the yard to do yard work before they came home......it was gorgeous out there.....I almost put 6 miles on my pedometer!!!......mowing and blowing......It is so much to juggle but I enjoy it......It keeps my mind and body busy in just the right way.....allowing me to really move forward and give me solace........the kids then came home.....and I was soon reminded of the dynamic that lives between my ex and I......one I have not created or facilitated......one that he has based on all the emotions and issues he has yet to face.....and it is really hard to stand in that space....to absorb it.....taking the high road for the sake of myself and my children.....not willing to entertain my anger or my rage and express it because of them......even though it is deserved and in this instance was called for.....choosing instead to bite my tongue......for the greater good......and realizing it isn't worth it......like so much of as of late......people can only see or understand from their place of evolution.....and if they are committed to not evolving and changing or even trying to use their imagination to see the world through other's eyes......then there really is no point......but when they left the feeling stayed with me.....and the wondering of why folks seem so darn comfortable to come at me lately......out of nowhere......dumping their own stuff at my feet....I am truly trying my best to live my life and stay out of people's crosshairs......yet.......so I sat on my shed ramp for a little bit, in the sunshine......calming my soul......breathing.....having a dialog in my mind.....soothing myself......which I have become really good at.........reminding myself of all the reasons it is the way it is......and understanding my expectations......and feeling sorry really, that he is so easily rattled over silly things.....over legitimate things.....and wondering about the internal dialog that plays inside of him in the day to day.....and trying to have empathy and compassion for that......and just remaining committed to do my part to not inflict any pain and suffering on our children that they don't deserve by ignoring as much as I can, and being kind and gracious at pick up and drop off......that is my only power in this and it is for them........all for them........so not sure how today will play out with Madeline and Halloween tonight........which is a bummer......but one I must embrace......onward and upward...... Happy Halloween everybody:)