Suffering.......

I have said before that I am fascinated by the human condition and suffering.....I marvel at it often, always have.....in other people, in myself, in all of it..........I have actually had outer body experiences through this where I am truly amazed at how much pain I am in, amazed by the pain and the fact that I am still able to do all the things I need to in my life and for my kids.....the human spirit is like nothing else that way.....strong in all the best ways....helping us survive whatever mountains come before us......giving us the strength to climb even when we don't want to all of the time.......your mind, body, and soul has the innate wisdom to kick into another spot as needed, to do what needs to be done...I read a meme that likened the kind of suffering I am suffering to having broken ribs, wickedly painful but not visible to the naked eye......Nobody around me knows most of the time how much pain I am in......no words to share at a certain point....just an awareness that it IS.......I appreciate the people that check on me....allow me to talk to them about it, let the tears slip out....offer compassion and kindness and acknowledge it.......I know some people want to avoid it and in turn avoid me.....it is too painful, too awkward, they don't know what to say.....I get it I do......it is all those things......however today another teacher expressed her compassion for my situation, she too has walked my road, and it was such a sweet exchange.........such a genuine expression of compassion.......a true acknowledgement of what has happened to my kids and I...... an expression of "I get it Jenn, I really do and I am so sorry".........that is really all it takes....nobody can say anything to undo it for me......nothing can fix it.....my husband essentially died, there was no funeral, no bereavement time from work, none of it.....just a carrying on.........somebody else this week expressed a stark truth....NOBODY can go through this for me.....I can have a ton of support, greatest family, greatest friends, which is all true by the way, but at the end of the day when I turn the light off, it is just me, sitting in all of it......I am the only one that can travel this road......and the road ahead is LONG.....I get that now.....fully.....it will come in waves for a long time......I am starting to recognize the waves that are coming.....some versions of them I much prefer over others.......when I am in a particularly unpleasant wave, I breathe and I know it won't last forever, maybe not even the whole day, and it is likely a more tolerable wave will come to replace it, and I can catch my breath.......I know the spaces between the waves will increase....they are already starting to do that and for that I am so grateful......and in all this suffering I am truly caught between worlds.......because even though all of that is happening, I am TRULY ENJOYING my new life, like truly........all my cells cheering......all of them totally excited about all that lies ahead.......embracing all the future adventures .....amazing how a person can live in both places.....simultaneously.....but maybe it isn't so odd.....because without suffering we don't understand beauty......we need both to live inside us......and I guess at the same time......to recognize how grateful we should be.........today I left work, the 50 degree air hitting my face along with the sunshine......and I paused for a moment, looked up, soaked it all up enjoying the beautiful moment......the peace that it brought.......and I was reminded of the hope that spring brings...........nothing like the clean fresh air, the smell of that air....the hope of longer days, warmer days....magical nights all of it.....this spring will represent more than ever for me, it will be a renewal, in every sense of the word.......... it will provide me my second wind.....help me find more strength to stay the course.......another gear to hit to keep traveling my road......this year's spring will breathe new life into my spirit and my heart, propelling me forward.......feeling grateful for all of it........