I had lots of dreams in the beginning.....of him.....my brain wanting to work out so much of what has been left lingering in the air and the space between.....and in those dreams I am never back together with him.....my mind knows the truth about that......but there is always a kindness between us, a gentleness......a willingness to work out the things we need to to move on.....and last night I had one too........I haven't in a long time......it was super vivid......and again it was an effort to resolve.......there was a tenderness between us that was beautiful and authentic and true......and we talked about some things we needed to......and when I woke in the middle of the night after the dream......it left a lingering feeling in me.....one that makes me remember the shock and awe......the disbelief.......all of it......the feeling of knowing that the likelihood of that happening in life is small.......and it would be such a simple thing to do......so simple........to acknowledge a pain you caused in another human......say your sorry......and move on.......and instead I have had to rally and accept it may not happen.....find a way in my soul to not NEED it anymore......not look for it......not wait for it......just accept it......like all the rest......sigh.......but when I have these dreams and feel that space and understand the stuff my soul is looking for it brings up the sadness and the longing for it again.......the understanding that true healing happens in spaces with the people that harmed you.......that it can be done as a party of one......but it is much quicker and more beneficial if it happens with another person.......the person that participated in all of it with you......and the treatment in the aftermath and his unwillingness to sit down and talk with me and close our 20 years in a more palatable way.......does still hurt my heart.....and I am reminded when I have these dreams of the hurt that still lies there......it also always makes me wonder if I have visited his dreams.......if he has ever woken up on the other end of a vivid dream......his deepest brain trying to reconcile it too.......I wonder that......and I wonder how he can justify not giving me that .........that I don't deserve any of that after all of our life together......all the mountains we climbed......all the time......all of it......it still feels surreal that he doesn't feel any such inclination to do that with me......but in short order I am deeply reminded that nothing he could really say could make up for much of what has happened.....and certainly as he continues to do things it seems unlikely.....but still.........it hurts, it just does.......to be discarded in the way I was.....in his eyes......in my eyes I know I was freed......very clearly........and each time it comes around this way, and I have to remember.......his treatment of me has everything to do with HIM not me......I know that.......and that what he is doing isn't personal, even though it FEELS so much that way.......and that it is up to me to heal the spaces in me that he harmed.......and maybe one day I will be pleasantly surprised by what he is capable of ......and maybe he can be brave enough.......but in the meantime, as the dreams poke these parts of me I have to take a deep breath and be my own hero and move forward in healing myself.......every single day.....
jperuso
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