Sometimes I still wish...........

I have talked about the infamous Thursday night often in my blogs. Bringing light to that random night in my life, a night wrought with devastation and trauma.......and sometimes I still wish there had been warning somehow before my life changed......a way to stand in the space before and inhale it in.......exhale it out..........letting its innocence run through my veins one more time......seems like a strange thing to wish for considering that isn't how life works......we all never know when something will come to an end......we just don't........but before he came in to drop the bomb and share his news, I had no idea.......no idea that such a thing could be festering and taking hold in his heart......that he was ready to let go of our life and family.......after dinner on that Thursday night......I was sitting with Madeline and she was planning a prank on him.....and we were laughing at her silliness, her creativity, the lengths she went to to prank him......then he came in from outside.........and I am not sure I will ever forget the look on his face when he came in........I knew what he was about to tell me would change our lives forever......I had never seen a look like that on anybody's face........there was a sweetness, a softness in it, almost a regret.........despite it carrying such a destructive blow......my stomach instantly hurt and I just wanted him to say whatever it was quickly so it would be over and not hanging there between us..........and I still wish I was better prepared somehow......or maybe in the aftermath of the news tried to understand better or talk more to him, and find out more of the things I have wanted to know for the last four months....However I was incapable of that that night I suppose.......too overcome with emotion to sort out my mind and my heart, and say what I would have wanted to fully, or needed to......sort of shut down.........and there has been a conversation looming over he and I since........and I believe it will come.....can sort of feel it lying ahead down the road.......so many words that hang in the balance, and in between us each time we are face to face......almost as if they are floating in the air.........hanging there waiting for one of us to seize them and say them......yet it never seems the right time......or the right space for that sort of thing....which may be why sometimes I still wish.......because in the space of that Thursday I may have been able to say the words I needed to and have them be received without shame and guilt attached on his end.......yet..........but as I have said I just have to trust that at each turn this process.......this journey has happened exactly as it should......I think about the big moments that have arisen as I have been on this journey and am proud of the way in which I handled them.....with no guidebook.......no rules or regulations.....just instinct and the desire to move forward driving me.........there has been so many complicated moments coming at every turn.....so sometimes I still wish........wish I had had a chance to soak up my life and my family of four one last time.......sit at the dinner table together and understand that that was it........see him playing and loving our children from the front row one last time........see him look at me the way he used to one more time........or share a laugh together about our kids or our life one last time.....so since that isn't how it works.........the urge or the inclination needs to fall to the side......and as with most things it all passes.........and instead of the focus on the one last time I pray for the day we have that conversation......pray that the right words find us both.......words that will set us both free in a more real way........words that will propel us into the future.......into our future relationship..........I pray for that day.........and pray it will bring us what we are both seeking, what we are both hoping to find in one another.......so that we can continue on in our new roles to our kids and to one another........that is what I wish..........