I keep thinking how much I wish that the holiday wasn't wrought with my divorce trauma.....leaving this stain and cloud on all of it......as it creeps closer the veil of trauma rides in the background of it all.......he was in quarantine over Christmas three years ago due to Covid and I spent the entire holiday alone, having one of the most challenging two weeks ever........and then in early January he left for good......then last year was our first real year alone, and I played Santa alone again while Gabe was sick with Covid, and then I ended up getting it too.....and today I gear up to play Santa alone again.....and there is a somberness and strange quality to that that is hard to explain.....having done lots of things in both my married and single life alone.......feeling comfortable doing it all alone in so many ways.....but I don't know why this particular task feels a little different.....and he exists in his new life, not too far away, and I wonder how it all feels to him.....the missing of it all........endlessly........not participating in such an important childhood and family ritual......so our new normal is taking hold......and this year particularly I have seen so many posting and heard so many people saying how "not Christmasy" they feel.....and I wonder about that, what it is about this year that sorta crept up on us all.....and finds so many people in complicated and sad situations.....and maybe it feels a little heavier to me this year because this IS my new life......I am not trying something on.....or adjusting to it all anymore, this IS MY life.....and most days I revel in the gifts it brings.....loving the new life that has emerged from the ashes........but playing Santa party of two feels magical and seeing your children open their gifts alongside the other person that loves them the way that you do kinda hits a little different too......so being alone in it kinda feels........well you get the idea.......I am grateful that I have my children for Christmas with me.....not ready.....really ever....... to face not having them with me for Christmas with me.......and hoping we can always work it out a different way.....so far we have done well in the negotiating of it all......they will do their Christmas next weekend....and I am sure the kids will love that too.....and maybe what is touching me too, is that so much has changed in terms of holidays....so much loss.....people have passed away, things have happened, my grandparents are gone, rituals and traditions have died amid the changes, and it all just FEELS really different......I am grateful that Mads only ended up having a sinus infection post having the flu...so she is on meds and we will be able to see family tomorrow:) And as I type this I know that part of the work of life is to embrace what is......accepting whatever comes as it is.....not placing our expectations on it.....because you lose every time......I was thinking next year I want to get really intentional about adding some new traditions and life into the holidays to balance some of the stuff that seems to come up alongside the holidays now.........shifting the narrative in a more intentional way......in a bigger way crafting some new wonder and excitement.....mixing it up! But for today I will get us into our Christmas jammies......and cozy in with my favorite humans, bake some cookies for Santa, watch some movies, and wrap my arms around what is and lay down what once was........feeling grateful that the wonder and magic of Christmas still lives in their excited hearts and sparkly eyes.....I will let that carry me through:)
jperuso
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