Yesterday I got to see my therapist for the first time in person, in nearly two years.......it was amazing! We have been speaking on the phone all this time......and I talked a lot of being afraid to lose her again......but also we talked about, or I guess I did......on where autopilot begins........I feel like the observer now......I wander around observing families......some happy but many not......I see the fatigue and worn energy pouring off of everybody.....not so much the kids, but the grown ups......I see the routine and duty ruling over all of it......the fact that nobody is truly happy, they are just going through the motions......and I wonder.....where does it begin??......and how do you prevent it from seeping in.......or once it has.....how do your rid yourself of it.......I am most afraid of ever falling back to sleep in my life.......of forgetting the world is a magical place.....of no longer feeling its magic......of getting tired again.....overwhelmed again, road worn......and as I have said.......I fear a relationship doing that to me or me doing that inside of a relationship......it is an odd thing to fear......and we talked yesterday of what I had to go through and endure to be here.....and why most people don't jump.......just like I didn't.....willing to stay......willing to try and make it work.....willing to be unhappy.....willing to do all of it......because the alternative.......deep excruciating heartache is a price too high......I have often said that I would have preferred the pain of my leg being cutoff than to have my heart broken again like it was after my marriage ended......my therapist told me he has worked with so many people......and it is the same for us all......physical pain is preferred over emotional pain......emotional pain doesn't quit.....it is relenting......just pushing.....and present......and in your face every minute......and if you face it and scream back in its face......it eventually recedes and backs up.......and leaves peace in its wake.........and exits........but you must swim through hell to get there.......and truth is, knowing what I know now.......I would do it again and again to end up here......but most people that are miserable and on autopilot, don't want to jump blindly out of a plane and free fall in their lives, and I totally get it.......I didn't either.......it becomes even more complicated when you actually love somebody.......I really loved him......so the thought of walking away from that love didn't make any sense to me.......in addition to inflicting horrid pain on us all......so I stayed......asleep and sad.......on autopilot........not really knowing when autopilot took hold?? And I guess I have never had a relationship that fulfills my needs......fully.....never found a true partner......a true friend........and then a true lover and supporter of me in all ways......somebody that gets me......and somebody that I get......always subject to eventual autopilot.......so perhaps that is how you don't lose yourself.........you find somebody that you have a deep friendship with and who gets you, and who you want to be in this life......and then you keep doing things every single day that remind you to stay awake:)
jperuso
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