Sleep..........

Seeing a fellow mama, going through the same thing, post in the night about missing sleep, made me think of this......I don't sleep the same since this happened for sure..... for months directly after I was up on and off all night long. Not sleeping at all in the first weeks it felt like at all, or sleeping an hour or so at a time......then slowly the night stretched out again, stringing more and more hours together....and now most nights I sleep fairly well.....but sometimes I am still up in the night around 3:00 or so.....sometimes going back to sleep and sometimes not......and most days I am up at 4 to start my day....blogging, drinking coffee......relaxing...... listening to music....meditating.....working out and running.....and getting my kids ready....and it has become a treasured time for me......it is my only alone time......a magical space in the day that belongs to me.....it bothered me at first that I could not sleep longer, although I have been a morning person ever since I met Gabe;-) It was either get on board or suffer immensely lol:) He rises with the sun still, teenager and all! So mornings have been early for years, but not this early.....and I have just accepted it.....it suits my life just fine right now.....I get to do what works for me.....I have nobody to stay up late with anymore, so I go to bed earlier and get plenty of rest on the front end of the night......and the morning comes to help me center myself before the craziness of the day takes hold.......I wonder though what it is about sleep that is disrupted when you are grieving.....it is interesting to think of......you would think that you mind and body would need a rest and shut off......but it seems to be the opposite, jolting you awake......or filling your body with restlessness.........in the early days after he left, many a night I would be jolted awake with panic coursing through my entire body, about his being gone and this being the end......it was crazy to wake up in full blown panic mode from a dead sleep.......I am grateful those days are gone.....and I don't have that happening anymore......In our marriage there were a handful of times when he slept away from home, when he went on this trip with a bunch of guys each year......and I never liked sleeping without him.....or how the house felt without him in it.....never slept good those nights either, but never imagined that being here without him every night wouldn't unsettle me or make me feel uncomfortable.....it was as if this acceptance came to me early on, knowing that I needed to accept it right away.....no need to fight it......it just was.....Madeline slept with me for months, which was just fine for both of us....she has made her way back to her bed, which I knew she would when she was ready......and now I am just fine sleeping in my big bed on my own too.......not sure I will ever sleep the same again......maybe I will.......but if I don't I have adjusted to it.....so much of my life is not recognizable anymore, and there is uncertainty in every direction, and in that confusion I have found my way....... embracing what comes, letting go of what was, and being wildly excited about what will be:)