As I have journeyed in this story, and had to take a look at myself alongside the rest......and the things I carry with me in this life....I realize we are all broken somehow, and carrying things with us we need to overcome, if we are to find the things we seek.....and being willing to do so I suppose is the secret sauce.....when we are unwilling it is where lots of challenging things can happen for us.....and one of the things I am working on in my life is laying boundaries........crystal clear ones, real ones, strong ones, and lately it has been in my story with my ex and his girlfriend.....and it can be uncomfortable for me.....and I am really coming up close, and realizing the things in me, and the reasons why that is......my nature is to understand.......give grace and room.....to see things from all sides.....to offer up understanding........placing myself in the situation of others often and easily.....and again I cannot really take credit for it.....it wasn't something I was necessarily fully taught......it is just within me.....my nature.....and I love that about me and don't ever want to change it......but I need to temper it, because the truth is all along NONE of it has been appreciated.......none......not in terms of my ex..........and I have twisted myself up into a pretzel at times to make it all work......overcoming huge things, to make it work, and to remain happy and peaceful, and I have still remained the villain and never had any of my efforts acknowledged, understood, or appreciated on the other end.....and I never have done it for that purpose.....I have done it solely for my kids......all for my kids.....over and over and over again......and laying boundaries for me is STILL uncomfortable.....I know insert eye roll;-).....I wish it weren't like that.......I am getting better at it though.....having lots of places to practice it as of late.....and deeply breathing through it.......and I guess it helps when you know you must do it.....no way around it.....I made a huge decision related to boundaries on Saturday and followed through on Monday and felt relief find me on the other side.....and that is the goal right......to place a boundary that brings peace to your heart....not indecision or strife......and growth is not linear......it is a process of elevating yourself, but then finding old demons that come to challenge that new growth.......testing to see if you really mean it, or if you really are where you think you are:) And it can be tough.......tough to hold the line.....and battle old narratives.....ones that have had years in the making, and so much time to make their way into your bones and the fabric of who you are......so I am in the undoing place of my journey.....undoing so much of so much......and maybe have been for quite sometime.....but lately being challenged to face demons from a long time ago to do what I need to do.....and sitting in the discomfort of that initially is the key......really the key to so much......if it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you......I truly believe that......so I am challenging and changing, and this week I took a huge step toward that......and laid some of my demons to rest....slaying them, one by one........
jperuso
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