I wrote about this awhile back, and yesterday reminded me of how far my perspective has come on this topic, and I felt it deserved some more space and exploration......yesterday I drove all the way to West Nyack NY, to a satellite of Crystal Run for a dermatologist check up with my kiddos so I could get in this summer........the wait list for dermatology is crazy. I am behind on my annual check ups due to last year being so challenging with my kids being sick so much, and my needing to take off for them.......but I had an early melanoma when Gabe was 2, 14 years ago, and another very early skin cancer, pre melanoma...... removed during Covid........I am careful with the sun......At the OBX most of my tan came from a bottle;-) I only sat out for small times, wearing my hat, and tried to find cover and shade whenever I was able......and that week was the most I have seen the sun in years......but the truth is I like the outdoors, and the sun is hard to avoid......and when I had the melanoma 14 years ago.....it rocked my world.....because before I had found out it was found so early, I was swimming in what melanoma means.....it is an aggressive cancer once it is out the gates.....and it terrified me when I found out......Gabe was only 2, we had been through so much for those two years.....I had recently gotten married.....and to think I had something that could end me, was more than I could bear.......once I found out it was so early, and that I needed no other treatment but the removal of it.....leaving a very fierce scar on my shoulder;-) I felt better.......much.....and grateful that intuition had led me to catch it.......but I vowed I would not spend my life ruined by looking over my shoulder for a recurrence.......no pun intended;-) and I would just stay out of the sun as much as I could, protect my skin, and get my skin checked.......and most recently I have added taking really good care of myself, keeping my immune system up:) all I could and can do.......then flash forward to during Covid, there was a freckle, same shoulder......didn't look too off.....it just kept catching my eye and my intuition.......the doctor told me it didn't need to be checked.....I insisted.....and turns out it was a type of skin cancer that occurs right before it turns to melanoma.......enter another fierce scar on that shoulder;-) and since then I have been getting skin checked and surrendering......if you saw my skin, I am COVERED in freckles......and unless they are really pronounced or get my attention, it would be hard to know if it is skin cancer or skin cancer brewing......kinda overwhelming to think of too deeply........yesterday she checked me thoroughly......feeling like all looks good.....nothing standing out in a way that would need to be checked......she told me it is good I am so far out from my melanoma.....and that if anything at all concerns me to come right in to get it checked.....and I left with peace in my heart and a sense of trust and faith.......the truth is I can't do anything about this......except do what I have been doing....and be vigilant about it all in a way that doesn't diminish my life......doesn't cause me to become obsessive or fearful......and I am neither truly......I know what is to be will be.....and I think having my cage rattled so hard that first time, and being so so scared.....at the time my mom was going through breast cancer, and my favorite aunt, so it was all so much........but I think the purpose of that experience was to begin to open me up......begin to turn down the anxiety......and turn up my faith.......and begin the practice of listening to myself........and I do......at first it felt really restrictive, to not be able to lay in the sun......I mean I am a redhead that tans!!! Not fair somehow lol:) but I have long since let go of the injustice......because the gift of me discovering what I have needed to on my body so far has far outweighed a tan and skin damage ;-) and can we talk about Jergens to the rescue.....I love their gradual glow tanner.....it does the trick! So today finds me in a much better mindset around all of it.......it has taught me a lot.....to live alongside that part of my life......trusting that if something else needs to come off of my skin......needs to be discovered.......it will........and will in plenty of time to keep me keepin on;) All the things that come to find us, even the scary things, are meant to open us up.......I truly believe that......to help us surrender to it all.....to free fall......and not hang on too tightly.......this has been a huge catalyst in my life to bring me to this moment, and I am grateful for the lesson and for the protection I have been shown.....and I trust that that will continue as I travel down my road, I truly do.......Amen:)
jperuso
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