The last weekend when the kids were with their dad, and my friend and I caught that 80s band, we made friends with a local guy, and were chit chatting and joking around with him, and he commented on the fact that he thought my friend and I were single.....and it sort of hit me in a way.....he didn't think I was out with another wife friend, he knew clearly we were single....and it was not because of any bad behavior at the brewery either lol;-) It was just a vibe.....I am emitting....... and I guess I am glad it is clear? Even though it feels odd to be single at this stage of my life.....in your 20s not so odd.....late 40s.....well.......but as I have said I am embracing my single self.......seeking to learn about her.....love her......help her do all the things she needs to on her own......and yesterday was no exception......I was about to get in the shower......standing with my hand under the water.........and realizing to my horror that the water was not getting hot.....I was trying with all my might to will it to turn hot .......and not all that long ago I had an issue with the hot water, and had to take a cold shower.....and thought that my heart was going to stop lol:) Spending the entire shower gasping.....so I was not eager to do that again......so I threw a robe on and went to the basement to stare at it......through my single girl eyes.....wondering what to do.......called my dad.....he told me to hit the reset button.....it did not reset.....so I called the plumber.....and it was the water heater motor......which was far better than a new water heater.....so all was restored to good:) But it is in those moments that I feel challenged.......not my wheelhouse.....a little panic sets in for a moment.....and a remembering of the comfort of once upon a time defaulting to a husband for such issues.....and there are a particular set of things in my life that I don't feel comfortable dealing with on my own......and I work each day to try harder to feel more comfortable about them.....and am gentle with myself, knowing I have grown a lot......and have embraced most every new task and responsibility that has come with my new life......it is a process an unfolding......later in the day came more single girl stuff.....my kids being with their dad this weekend, and my having plans to go out and listen to music again down at Log Tavern Brewing......and this new part of my life is still strange to me too.....I spent years cozied in my home in my jammies, with my family on any given weekend......and was content to do so.....more than content, it was my bliss once upon a time.........and if I am being honest I would trade every single thing I have done on the weekends I haven't had my kids......to have had my family work out and be healthy and happy........every single thing........those were some of my favorite times.....and I will always be able to feel it and carry it in my heart.......simple stuff.....family dance parties, movies, crock pots, chilling......but I don't live there anymore......not for now........and I accept that fact fully......so I have adjusted.......some nights when the kids are with their dad I am still more than content chilling in my jammies and watching a movie solo.....or inviting a friend for dinner and beers.........however more recently I have been forcing myself to make plans to be out in the world....... Exploring this part of the journey......and I am enjoying it.......knowing it is a temporary chapter.....although if I meet somebody and my life becomes a little more settled in some ways, I would still like to be more conscience of going out more......doing more things, exploring more things.....my Taurus can get really comfortable staying in all the time;-) I am a home body through and through....so the exploring and getting out there is a new part of me that is stepping forward......I don't enjoy crowds......love concerts and the woods lol:) and some places.....but amusement parks and water parks are the last places I seek to be........I have forced myself for my kids at certain times......and sometimes they do those things with their dad, which is fine by me too......I think it is because I feel the energy of others so deeply that ALL those people kind of freaks me out;-) despite being social and a people person......go figure;-) Ultimately I have grown to have such a soft spot for this chapter of my life.....realizing the unique opportunity it is to be single for this significant amount of time, at my age......and get to really embrace a journey of self discovery......going inward to see what resides there.......and as with most of what I have encountered......I embrace what is.....giving it air time and space to be heard and felt.....and my single self is no exception. She is fun, happy, excited, curious, up for new things, and new experiences, open to what comes, and the adventures she finds...... and I am proud of how far she has come, and enjoy watching her journey unfold;-) Happy Saturday! :)
jperuso
Comments