So sometimes it strikes me all at once.... the contrast of my old life and the new....once upon a time getting home from work, and waiting for a husband.....making an elaborate dinner, centering my life around the domestic duties of the day......alongside working full time.....and feeling at the time as if that was my place.....like a duck to water.....happy to splash in the love and care I felt I tried to bring to the role as much as I was able.....and I am watching "This Is Us" right now.....and I love it.....Mads and I are loving it, and having a journey together....and it is refreshing to have a show that is appropriate for us to both watch together, and get something out of it....and because she and I are similar in lots of ways....we are enjoying it for the same reasons....the depth of the characters and the story........and last night the mother character, and her husband had an argument...about the misunderstanding that can take place in a marriage....the man feeling the pressure of providing and feeling as if that is enough.....but the woman sometimes feeling invisible within the confines of domestication....and duty....and I felt her impassioned speech about that......she said she felt like a ghost in her life.....and I so felt that.....every bit of it.....just like a stage hand, behind the scenes....making the production happen, and not feeling as if I had an important role in the production....not even close to a leading role in my own life......and feeling that is hard.....it breeds so many things.....and I don't feel like that anymore.....I feel like the kids and I have leading roles in our own lives and it feels amazing:) But now it will hit me.....sometimes all at the same time....as I am exercising in my exercise room, that it is just me.....I am alone.....I live in this big house with my two kids......and I am in charge of it all....all of it....nobody to bounce anything off of....just decision after decision being my own.....and part of it.....not gonna lie.....feels exhilarating......in every single way.....independence has always felt comfortable to me.....and I like to have that level of autonomy in my own life....and truthfully I get scared that in addition to middle life trappings, kids and a very well defined life, that that simple fact will make it nearly impossible for me to meld my life with another man again......once you know....well you know;-).....but in that same wave of how single and alone I am, it also hits me how much responsibility that can be....and how solitary it can feel.....and I intentionally am using solitary....not lonely......because loneliness is truly not what I ever feel.....and I marvel at that endlessly......but I do yearn some, sometimes for a person to care about my day.....or listen to another's day.....to have a person to share the stuff I need to, or want to in full disclosure....with all the trappings that come with that.......the relationship STUFF.....and when that awareness hits me.....as I am doing my warrior pose in my workout room, or heaving some weight around.....or doing dishes......or sleeping alone.....it sometimes feels kinda foreign......like I have forgotten how to......and would have to relearn it all....like a person does when they have lost the use of their legs and have to rehab them.....and that may sound strange to you, or dramatic, that is if you are not me:) lol but it is true......it truly feels like another lifetime.....and sometimes I fear I cannot find my way back.....but then faith and trust enter those feelings....reminding me that it will all work out as it should....as it is supposed to be....and I need not do a thing except trust that.....and in addition to "I can do hard things" being a mantra of mine......another one I remind myself of often.....when it all starts swirling too quickly....is "Everything is Always working out for ME!" and well it is, I believe that:) And it is for you too:) Happy Wednesday!
jperuso
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