Yesterday was a big day but it arrived in a small moment.......it was a moment I had imagined since the moment he left......and I suppose it is a good thing they make you wait a year.....because I would not have been ready for that moment a year ago......I needed the time that has marched on for me to be able to embrace it......I drove to his lawyer's office alone......went in......and he had already signed at an earlier point......so they put the document in front of me.....and my stomach hurt for a minute.....my eyes threatened to fill up for a moment, and then I signed.....as the secretaries bustled around me......and that was it, it was over.......seems so crazy that something that took years to build is dissolved with the stroke of a pen......right?? And the truth is that stroke of the pen represented freedom to me.....to the beginning....the true beginning of my new life.......but I would be lying if I said I did not have a pang of grief pop up as I was laying my marriage to rest........what I have found in this process is that it is only a big deal to me.......those things......marriage.....commitment.....honor......loyalty......those things felt enormous to me all these years, but when push comes to shove they don't carry any weight in the light of day....and certainly not in the light of divorce.......I used to shudder at the thought of being divorced....thinking that there would not be anything more tragic......for all of us.......and yet here I am......nearly legally divorced and there is nothing tragic about it......at least not from where I sit......if you are reading this it should serve as a huge reminder that we have to catch ourselves when we project or conjecture our way too far into our futures......or pretend to know how something is going to be......I was SO wrong about this.....it is what kept me in my marriage till the bitter end.......fear of the unknown, and duty to my children, and a commitment to my husband.......they all kept me stuck.....a trifecta of smoke and mirrors....an illusion I had created.....believing what I was saying was true......when in fact none of it was.......I don't live in regrets often, but sometimes I wish I had walked away sooner....when I was younger......on my terms......I really do......I put up with too much, and feel some shame for some of that......my reasons were noble but allowing those things to happen to me wasn't.......but as soon as I think that........I am reminded that I would never have wanted the destruction of my marriage and family to be carried on my back for the rest of my days......on my conscience.......I am free of that too........I don't have to carry the ugliness of the end on my shoulders.......I can carry the part where I tried so hard.....worked so hard, and tried all I knew to try to get our marriage back up on the road........so that feels good and makes me know that it ended when it was supposed to......amid a global pandemic.....when the world was changing......my world got to change alongside that.....and now as the world is righting on its axis...... and so is mine:)
jperuso
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