If you have been a reader of my blog for the long haul;-) and by the way I love you all for being so faithful in reading this every day:) I digress;-) but if you have indeed been reading all along you will know that in the beginning I wrote often of the shock that found me related to what happened and the new reality I was cast into.......and fortunately that shock doesn't find me too often, acceptance has been the more predominant force for quite a long time......but......shock still finds me in terms of the new relationship my ex and I have.....or I should say the lack of one......it is the most bizarre and shocking thing sometimes......pick up and drop off having this stranger quality......he ensures that I am invisible to him each time.....tries a little harder sometimes, but the overall vibe is pretending I don't exist.....and I have many theories as to the "why".......but ultimately his motive for such behavior is not really the important part......it is the fact that this is how it is......like how do you share 20 years with a human......bring babies into this world......go through such huge life stuff together and end here.......Most of what drives it, I believe is what he did to me and his feelings about it......it cannot be easy to live in that space I am sure......and when somebody does you wrong avoidance is the behavior of the day....I get that.....that isn't the only source of it, but it is a part I believe......and I have learned to accept it.....to let it roll off my back 9 times out of 10......but sometimes that 10th time is oofff.....hits me like a freight train.......the shock riding inside of that train......the disbelief.......the awe.........the......you get the idea........and early on the things I embraced that kept me sane, well sorta;-) is that we are on different journeys.......like big time......and my power lies not in making him do the right thing by me.....or forcing him to behave in the ways that he should......my power has always lied in my story and my behavior.......so I have surrendered to that.......I don't give it much air time in my life......I focus on being kind and pleasant to them for the sake of my children......forging a relationship with his girlfriend for my children......and letting go of the rest.......but last night it came up again when I picked them up.......observing his "new" self......and just feeling utter disbelief in all of it.....head scratching......hardcore disbelief........and I would be lying if I said it still doesn't hurt me sometimes.....because it does......he most definitely does not have much power in that department either anymore.....he has lost his full access pass to my heart and soul and the ability to damage any of them.......but I am human, and what we shared was deep and wide, and every once in awhile the pain is felt in a real way......and I honor it when it comes knocking......I must......if I want to continue to heal, and I DO, that is my mission in this life each day.......he has to live with his actions......FOREVER......and his continued actions.......and that makes me sad for him.......because someday he may actually have to face it all......and well.........that will be something........in the meantime I marvel at the shock and awe, and its resilient nature as a recurring emotion......grateful for the stretching out between the times I have to feel it......further and further each time.......but then there it is......I will forever believe that hope is alive in this story, and that he will somehow make this right in terms of the new relationship we are to have......as co parents to our amazing children......I pray for him often......miracles happen every day right? ...but if he doesn't, and stays in the space he is in terms of me and his lack of healing.....he is ultimately only hurting himself........poisoning himself each time......continuing to suffer........and for me it serves as fuel and has strengthened me along the way.....and helped me evolve and grow in the ways I have needed to......to live the life I am meant to live......and in acceptance there is peace indeed........
jperuso
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