Shock and Awe returns......

I have written this blog, this specific one a few times on this journey....returning back to the shock and awe that still finds me in this story. Even after all I have witnessed......all I have experienced, all I have endured, the feeling of that shock and awe has returned many times.....being put in situations, or experiencing situations I cannot believe....and it all makes me reflect on the time I spent in my old life, and devoting two decades of my life to all of it, to my marriage and family, and now the shattered remains, and the things I see are hard to reconcile with all of that......what I thought my life was.....who I thought he was.......who I thought we were......and all of it now........and knowing every single second of what happened in this story up until now, I would think that the shock and awe would have worn off.....but it hasn't......I still feel it.....it still circles around.....yesterday found me having a moment of that......a situation bringing a stark truth for me to look at......and there it was.....just mouth dropping, incredulous shock.....and I have tried over and over to articulate the way it feels, and it lacks a way for me to express it, to articulate it fully.....to really make it known.....how THIS feels.......the adversarial nature of it......the standing on two sides endlessly, the lack of health in the relationship we have on the other side of our divorce......the barriers and challenges that remain between us as a result of so many things.......and facing who he is deciding to be in this story......we all have choices, and he has made his, and I have made mine......and it is heavy......just heavy......there is no escaping it or cutting ties because we share our children.....so there is that tether.....and well......sigh.......so here I must remain......in the wild discomfort of it all.....wishing for a magic wand.....wishing for a way beyond the turmoil and strife......wishing I could be given a a way to fix it somehow......but some things cannot be fixed......they are just broken.....beyond repair. And I am doing all I can in my power to restore what I can to our current situation for our kids.....and my goal originally in life was a healthy marriage and family, and the marriage part eluded me so far in this life......my next goal has been a healthy co parenting divorced story and so far......not to be found........however I will forever remain hopeful that things can change.....I have seen so much in this life that proves that is possible....that things will and do change.....and hope is real.....and faith makes a way.....and love is the point, and so much more......so nothing is impossible. I tell my class that often.....impossible says I'M POSSIBLE......so perhaps that rings true here....and hopefully one day the shock and awe will recede like the tides for good, and be replaced with something inspiring.....something different......something restorative.....something that feels like opening a window in a stale room, something profound.......Amen.....