When this all happened a deep sense of shock and awe found me.....in every sense....just in utter disbelief that this had happened to our lives, to my children.....to me.....and it stayed with me for a long time.....but then as time went on it sort of faded some.....my getting to know my ex....the new version of him......my beliefs about him being challenged and changed in every way.....my needing to accept it as it was, in the light of day....and I have written from time to time about the shock and awe piece.....and how sometimes there it is.....no matter how much time has passed.....we are at 3 plus years....and it is still hard to believe it all....and all that has happened on the other side of it all too....seems like this weird sitcom, or surreal experience I have been plopped in.....and I do my best to keep it in its place....a smaller place in the fabric of my life.....not giving it a starring role.....the kids and I get that one......but it is there.....and the shock and awe will sometimes STILL hit me.....hard......the realization still coming to find me.....and here is what I think about that now.....I think part of it is our human condition and our brain....and the way it functions....especially after a trauma.....or traumatic events.....but I also think that the source of that shock and awe, that will still randomly hit me.....not even always as a result of anything.....I can be driving home from work and all of the sudden there it is......I think the source of it is because of the beliefs I held about him....dismantling who I believed he was....and reconciling who he really is....and those things do not match, and it is still disorienting.....none of the people in our lives are who we think they are, no one.....I believe they are created through our own lens and perspective.....and what we see in them or tell ourselves about them is a reflection of us.....and if we are close to a person, or intuitive, we may be right about so much.....and if we sat down with them, and asked them who they are, and they told us, their image of themselves might match some of ours......but really it is all created in our minds....and when love is involved, well that perception I believe also gets skewed further....overlooking stuff or excusing it, or not giving it the weight we maybe should.....I am sort of of two minds.....one of my superpowers is seeing the absolute best in my people.....and treating them as such, until something happens that is so glaringly obvious that I cannot unsee it.....and I don't plan on changing that......my view of people is lovely....until the reality overshadows that......but I also am trying to temper that part of me, to protect myself now in this chapter.....being mindful of who I want to surround myself with in this chapter, while still giving grace and acceptance to our human condition....knowing we are all fabulous and flawed.....and we need people to accept both parts of us.....as long as it doesn't hurt us......so yeah.....the shock and awe still finds me.....out of the blue.....finding me again this week as I was driving.....and it finds me in all he did to me.....in the fact that we can't talk now.....in the space that we spent two decades together, and are now strangers in every way.....in so much.....and when it comes....I just let it.....let it wash over me and leave....and go to wherever it does.....hoping one day it will stay gone and not return, and it will forever be one of the hardest parts of this story.....and the one I work the hardest to overcome....for however long it takes....
jperuso
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