On any planet and beyond I would never have chosen to need to split my time with my children.....not ever........wanting every moment of their lives all to myself......every weekend and every space in between.....but that isn't my reality......I must share my children......due to actions I did not choose......and I have learned to accept and embrace it......because railing against it is in the futile category......but I am not sure it ever gets easier.....easier to step back and surrender that time, and and all the rest......the kids normally see their dad every other weekend.....and recently it became clear to me.....through Madeline's suffering, that she may need to see her dad more.....and I am very proud to say that every single move I have made in the last two years has been for my kids......they still Facetime their dad, which makes life inconvenient for me, but I do it for my kids......so I suggested the kids start having dinner with their dad on Wednesdays......giving them the opportunity to see their dad in between those visits.....and yesterday we started it......and I was also grateful because DV closed last minute, and I had work, and their dad was able to take them for me for the day.......but it still is all hard.......I want to see them as much as I can too, and a part of me hates that I have to give up any time, I didn't choose the life he did.....and it seems unfair somehow......and yet here it is.......staring me in the face......and as I have written many times about the unfairness that finds you when infidelity and divorce are a part of your story.......it is just endless.......paying for sins you didn't commit......and choices you didn't make on repeat over and over.......nobody even considering your feelings about any of it.....thrust into a system that just is.......and needing to get your sea legs up underneath you sooner than later, or get swallowed whole.......so like so many things......mindset is paramount.....the way we frame the stories of our lives absolutely matters......absolutely decides the experience we will have......as a victim or victor.......and I am choosing to feel happy for my kids......that they get to see their dad......that he is stepping up to help more.......that it will hopefully bring more healing to the kids.......that it is OK when they are not with me.....they are still being loved in my absence.......that I have the power to maximize the time I spend with them.....and be present in it all........and that ultimately it isn't about me......it is about them.....and to that end......I surrender over and over....and as many times as I need to.....because it is the most worthy thing that I can think to do.........it just is......
jperuso
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