Scars......

I think the longer I travel in this story the more aware I am of the scars I carry with me....and really from so many parts of my life.....scars remain.....with me.....inside of me.....deeply a part of me......I have had a lot of heavy things to endure in this life. I do not say that as somebody that feels sorry for myself, or is lamenting or complaining.....because I never feel sorry for myself......it is just as an awareness that I have had mountains to climb in this life endlessly it seems for the last 20 plus years....and some more awareness of that found me the past few days and this week....and in the aftermath of cresting the top of those mountains, or descending down the other side that I have been left with scars......and some of them have changed the way I live my life in good ways.....while others have made me skittish some in others....in ways I never was. I have realized I have been avoiding dating some despite its difficulties, and love, and all the rest some due to that.....feeling super protective of myself, and that is both sad and challenging for me.....the idea of all of it, while so much of me feels ready for it, still scares me.....I listened to a friend talking about having a first date, and the guy kissing her goodbye, and it made me feel so stressed at the thought of it lol:) silly right?? But it has been so long since I have experienced any of that, that it all feels foreign somehow......like a strange land I have never visited....despite that not being true......and what occurred to me this morning is we have to summon our brave.....being braver than our scars......bolder than them.....pushing past what has come to find us, and live and love like we have never been hurt.....it isn't easy....not at all......but it is the only way.....I went out last night to the Jive.....and I had confused the spots with my friend, we were supposed to meet in Dingmans.....I know lol, so I ended up staying at Jive for a little bit and the festive vibe was fun....and I had a good time....but I am not great in a bar scene.....not so willing to chat up strangers.....my love of people and connection is under very specific circumstances.....so I only talked to the people I knew....glad that there were some people I know there.......and I guess I write about this today....just as an awareness....the knowing of myself in this chapter....and knowing that there is some growth to be had in this part of my life....I have written before about the fact that I don't, and have never believed in casual encounters....when it comes to matters of the heart....and so I sorta feel like an old fashioned alien amid the modern dating scene lol:) perhaps that is what is poking me too.....feeling like I don't fit in so much in the modern confines of dating.....and it is OK.....I will not sacrifice myself for any of it....not ever....and I continue to trust that the right thing will find me.....but I can feel my latest scar in the wake of my marriage keeping me stuck some....skittish......gun shy....not willing to put myself out there fully....and I need to work on it....it brings tears to my eyes as I type that....such damage others can do to our us right??.....leaving their mark....and my goal on any given day is to rise above that and be stronger than my scars....and most days I think I do just that.....but sometimes I become keenly aware of it all....it just means there is more work to do and healing and I am always up for that......the payoff being more growth and self awareness....and I am here for it, I really am:) Happy Sunday y'all:)