There are times when I am driving.....or doing something mindless when a memory will pop into my mind of something that married Jenn.....(recent married Jenn that is)....the one living under the black shadow of her husband's affair........what she did in the name of saving her marriage and what HE allowed me to do in the name of that noble cause......only to have done what he did......and all the deception that surrounded true acts of faith on my part......true beautiful actions, of compassion and understanding that was extended to him...... gifts that I happily gave away.....to right the ship.....to save my marriage.......and my family........and some of those memories make me want to SCREAM now.....like BANG my FISTS.......PUNCH a wall.......SCREAM from the TOP of a mountain........take a baseball bat.....smash things........you get the idea;-) when I remember........it makes me feel foolish.....like a total idiot.....and just so so misguided......and SO taken advantage of......in EVERY SINGLE WAY.......and I never play the regret game, because truth is, I believe we are right where we are supposed to be at any given moment....I truly believe that.....and that you can't get it till you get it, and you can't do better till you know better.....I truly believe those things....so at no point was anybody going to be able to sit me down in the last three years and convince me that I should jump ship.....tell him to get out......tell me anything......I was convinced that the path I was on was noble.....and worth it......and that we would find our way winning on the other side of it all......and the fact that I was so so wrong doesn't negate the spirit in which it was given.....and the Jenn of TODAY......she is a much different woman......there is not any of what happened in the last three years that she would put up with.....accept.....deal with.....not even a little bit.....it is laughable to me now.....makes me shake my head aloud when it pops into my mind........like what????? and it makes me really ponder some things.....like maybe the biggest one.....LOVE is absolutely BLIND.....it really is........and when love leaves the absence of blindness is amazing......like when the light goes on at the bar after last call lol:). blinding light!!! "I can see clearly light"........and I most definitely see clearly now, now that I am not clouded by the love I once had for him.......the other thing it makes me really examine is the woman I was then.....so much of me now still carries her but there was a broken spot in her.....a real beaten down space.....one that didn't feel deserving.....and certainly did not love herself enough, enough to demand she got that love in return......that is what she needed to learn.....that she had to LOVE HERSELF.......not love everybody else at the cost of her....her dignity.....her pride......her spirit.....her soul......her happiness.....her.......all of it......and the Jenn of today wants to kick his a$$ for all the stuff he put her through.....like really sometimes.......and false hope....and lies and all of it......like truly.......like who did he....does he think he is......what does he....did he think HE DESERVED?????????.......but kicking his a$$ won't change a thing...... it won't restore dignity and self respect to once upon a time Jenn.....it just won't.......I had to do that for the Jenn of now.......I had to show her the love and respect she ALWAYS DESERVED......FINALLY!!!! Shower her with TLC.......treat her with tender loving care......do things with her mind body and soul that nourish her from head to toe.......I had to do that.......not anybody else.......and I know that now.....so all those things I did that I felt were foolish, the ones that make me scream in my brain and heart when I remember.......I guess those are my karma......my good deeds into the world....given in purity of spirit.....even though the person I gave them to didn't deserve ANY of them.....not one.....it isn't about that....which is hard to always remember.....we can't decide as humans who deserves what.....we have to just proceed from a place of compassion and love, and if it isn't received in the spirit in which it was given.....that is the other person's karma......their journey.......not ours.......I am human though.....and it hurts to think of the things I did for love that were just completely used.....and not appreciated at all......that is tough......because to give those things required so much of me......but at the end of the day.....my head hits the pillow with no regrets......nothing I could have done differently, I did all I knew how to do......so when the memories visit and I cringe some......because I totally do.........I also try and step back.....and honor my journey......and how far I have come in the last 10 months.....and offer grace to that sweet girl that was hanging in her marriage, trying with all her might to forge another way......I offer her love and compassion.......and I will always carry her in my heart.....but I will never be her again......not ever again........
jperuso
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