I do not use that term lightly......that is indeed how it felt at the time and was a hell of sorts no question.......I started a book awhile back and have picked it up along the way to chip away at its contents.....and yesterday afternoon found me immersed in writing more of my story, and getting that much closer to completion........I have found you cannot really force it.....when the planetary vibes find me in an inspired space to let my words flow, I oblige......and yesterday afternoon I felt such energy......nudging me to open my laptop and work on it......it was a dreary rainy day......kids were watching a movie, and I put my music on and got to work on it.....but to be able to write, and add to it, I needed to read what I had written so far, to figure out where I wanted to go from there.......and the truth is, it has been so long since I have picked it up, that I had forgotten how far I had gotten.....but my first chapter chronicles the night he left......in great detail.......and from the depths of my soul......and through the flashes of remembering that night, because much of the trauma of that night blocks out some of the details......but there is certainly enough there to be clear on the night's events, and the night that changed my life forever.......and it was so cathartic to read it again.....and some of the chapters that flow from there, the ones that share the aftermath.......with some of my early blog entries finding a way into the narrative that I share.....and wow those early blogs were RAW......and to revisit some of them was very powerful, and I felt so proud of that Jenn and her willingness to share such a raw and painful part of herself during such a vulnerable time......to honor that space and give it a voice......my blog is by far one of the greatest decisions I have made toward my healing.....and the healing of others.....and I will never be sorry for it, never........or any of the words that have found their way into the entries.......and in reading it all and figuring out where I was headed as I spent some time adding to it yesterday, I was reminded of it all.....of the hell I lived in in the final years of my marriage.....the absolute torture I endured at the hands of so many lies, dishonesty, manipulation, false hope, all of it.......and to really walk through the aftermath and think "how did you survive all that Jenn?" it is kinda humbling and mind blowing to think of the things that find us and how we endure.......the human spirit is the most inspiring thing I know in this life.....its willingness to adapt......to adapt to whatever comes to find it.....and overcome.....and that is the purpose of this book.....hopefully someday relatively soon, when it sees the light of day........my hope for it is that it touches somebody, helps somebody, a woman just like me.......one that went through a similar thing.....and she reads it......ordering it like I did some books like it......ones sharing brave stories......ones that helped me believe that I could be brave too......yea like that.......I hope my book does that for whoever crosses paths with it......that the hell I endured becomes a light in the dark to others......there is no greater gift that I can think of, then to be given the opportunity by God and the Universe to be able to use your truth, your story, your pain to help change lives......I did not ask to be brought here.....to be given the circumstances that catapulted me into the life I live now.....but I for certain feel the responsibility and deep drive to use that story to make a difference.....so revisiting hell was interesting......some of the visceral feelings came up as I read my words and remembered......feeling surprised at the way it was so accurately conveyed.....and remembering some of the darkest days of my life......but as the book evolves, as it has in the real story, the light starts to emerge.......and the remembering of that.....of feeling that light after such darkness.....and the relief that was found as that started to emerge, that is a feeling that is hard to articulate.......like being saved somehow.....and I will forever be so grateful......just so immensely grateful for that light......that light that found me in such deep darkness, and saved my soul from being swallowed up in what had found me.......you only know how deeply painful a story like this is if you have lived it too.......it is even hard to empathize as a married person and imagine it happening to you.....but anybody I have spoken to that has been there gets the darkness I speak of......and if you know well you know....:) So strolling through hell, the nearly 50 pages I have typed so far......and being reminded of it all made me so grateful.......grateful for all of you that have read my blog all along......from the beginning of the story and hung in....those that pop into my story from time to time, or at all:) It is a story I did not choose, one that has chosen me......and I will use my story to touch and change as many lives as I am able......it has been made clear to me that that is what I am to do.....and I am honored to do that, truly:) And this morning I sit here, grateful to have left hell behind......and to have survived the flames I found there, just so so grateful:)
jperuso
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